Before and after.
“It is possible to live with a broken heart. But it’s hard.”
We sat there nodding hearing another grieving parent say this the other day. Of course it makes such perfect sense to us. We are still determined, every single day, to make a good, happy life for all of us…to arrive at a day where our kids say “You know, we had a great childhood”….but getting there is, on many days, so hard.
So many things have shifted since losing Ava. So many. I can’t help feeling like my whole belief system has evaporated – I had such a certainty that karma took care of everything – that I had a good life because I was a good person, that life was kind to me because I “did the right thing”.. I liked having that belief – it felt secure and right. It’s another loss for me that I now understand that no-one is keeping score. Sure, maybe when I arrive where it is that I end up, perhaps it will matter but for here and now it has become apparent that I have very little control over whether my day includes joy or tragedy. From here on when I “do the right thing”, I know it’s just because well, it’s the right thing. Nothing more, nothings less. No expectations, no balance sheet, no payback. And really, it’s such an insult to all the other good people who have had bad things happen that I held this belief in the first place. How incredibly conceited of me.
The other thing that has been on my mind a lot is just how blessed we were but we didn’t know it. We thought we did, we spoke of it very often, we just didn’t really know it. I think we are conditioned, in Western society, to perceive lucky as big house, new car, overseas holiday..and the rest. There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things, hell -I’m guilty of having a well thumbed Tiffays catalogue by my bedside..but what I now know so completely is that richness is truly right there, no matter what car/house/boat you do or don’t own. I’m not an envious person by nature but suddenly I find myself so very jealous and wanting to tell families in supermarkets “My God..You are SOOO lucky. Do you know?” I want to tell people to get down on their knees, daily, and be so truly thankful for their full, whole, complete families. To smother their children with hugs, to tell their partners they adore them. To stop worrying about stuff that Does Not Matter. To not procrastinate, to not left words unsaid, to not assume a tomorrow. I am still blessed, I do know I have a lot to remain thankful for but when I look back, I feel so much frustration that we didn’t truly know..
Well I guess that’s enough rambling for one night…Grandad came back from 10 weeks in the UK today and the boys got up at 5am to prepare for his arrival (at 9!!)..They were beyond excited. To fill in time, of course I got the camera out.
These look like sweet family photos but in reality I was enduring constant heckling by the crowd.
The boys…
.jpg)
bw.jpg)
.jpg)
Ivish, wearing a selection of beautiful jewels sent to us from Carrie yesterday..along with some other very special things..but more about that in another post.
.jpg)
And here is Mason running onto the coach that dropped Grandad off – he simply could not wait any longer :) How happy do they both look?
.jpg)
And I love Grandad’s sheer joy at holding Ivy again.
I’m hesitating to post this pic of this little critter who was observing my picture taking in the garden today, I might scare off Laureen who’s visiting my neighbourhood from Canada next year!!
You even make a picture of a freaking spider look amazing. Clever girl. Love seeing pics of Cray with the kids – want to see more of that! Miss Ivy…how much spunk does that girl have? x
oh my eyes just welled up with those pics of G’dad with the kids! Just beautiful Sheye. Beautiful. What an amazing moment to capture.
LOVE the photo’s of Crayt & the boys!!! :D :D Spunky things they all are!!
As for Ivish, well she is already in a class of her own :D
xox
have you ever read Tuesdays with Morrie?? It is right on what you were saying. I read this book over my first dd’s shoulder after each nursing session when she was just born.. a page or 2 here and there.
It is one of my all time favorite books if not my one and only favorite….
I recently found a site
http://www.eclecticinspiration.com/quotes/tuesdaymorrie.html
This site has exerpts from the book. I hope you take some time to read it…
You are all such treasures, just like Ivy’s new jewels. Breathtaking images of a family where the love is there for all to see xxoo
Thank you.I needed that today.xxx
LOVe the one of mason and grandad most esp!
thanks for sharing your thoughts, maybe you could write a book about Ava’s life and share it with the world, so you can reach as many people as you can with your touching message. i know because of ava, my life has changed ALOT>>>>>>>>thanks for sharing of yourself.
tara
My Dad and Mom have lost 2 children to cancer. One who was seven,and one who was 10yrs old. My parents have spoken of the depth of sorrow that they feel, even now, after 20+ years after losing their children. But they have said that their hope lies in knowing that they will see my brother and sister once again in Heaven. I guess I can only say that God knows what you’re going through. We question why things happen,but in reality, only God sees the big picture. It’s hard..losing those we love so dearly…and not understanding why. I stumbled across your blog back in February and wept at the loss of your child.I want you to know that I pray for your family Daily,if not multiple times in a day!For some reason,you have been on my heart…I just wanted you to know that your story and life has touched many people!…Even though of us in good ‘ol Indiana….
I really don’t know what the right thing to say.
But as always, your pictures are amazing. Love love how happy everyone is in the pics!
Sheye, you put into words what so many of us feel. I too, never knew just how lucky I was. Huge hugs to you this week.
Love seeing your gorgeous family enjoying each other (let me reassure you that girls are just as good at heckling the photographer LOL).
Your words seem timely for me – Sophie asked me out of the blue last night what my goals were in life and reflecting on it – I have a man I love, children I adore, a house that’s falling down shambolically, but full of love and laughter and a job I feel passion for – I literally have it all and need to really feel that on a daily basis, instead of eroding it with petty grievances etc. Thanks for underscoring the lesson for me darling.
Thinking of you always
love
Sue
xxx
That Ivy knows how to work the camera doesn’t she! Beautiful pictures as always.
I have a huge lump in my throat as I read your blog (which happens often). I needed to read this today… J.T. cut up his sister’s $5 bill (a gift from Grandma) into tiny pieces. Thank you for helping me maintain perspective. Many, many hugs for you and your beautiful family.
Gorgeous as always honey. That pic of Mason & Grandad had me blinking rapidly to fight back a tear or two (; I hope he enjoyed his trip to the UK.
I love that despite everything you see beauty everyday Sheye.
Much love to you
Lea xxx
Sheye, I don’t comment often enough but I just wanted to tell you that through your blog you are reminding all of us of exactly what you want to stop families and say in the supermarket. Everytime I read your blog I am reminded how fragile life can be and that I need to stop and remind my self of my blessings not just each day but each MOMENT. Thank you for that gift.
I wanted to tell you that I read your blog every day and have never commented, though I have often wanted to. I do not know you nor will I ever probably meet you, but your words touch my soul every time I read them. I lost my healthy mom suddenly in an accident, and until then, I lived a charmed and wonderful life. I thought I knew how lucky I was, but you are right, I had no clue. I also lived my life doing good things thinking that it all balanced out and I have feel so badly about that knowing how many great people in the world are touched by random tragedy. You put into words what I think about every day. Thank you for doing that and for giving me a place to go when I need to realize I am not alone, I am not crazy, and that somehow, it all will be OK for the family I have left to take care of. You are amazing, and I am glad our paths connected on line. Thank you.
Kristi
I know what you mean about wanting to tell people about what they’ve got.. sometimes I do it too! And they think I’m a nutter :)
Beautiful photos Sheye (Beautiful family). I think Ivy is a mini-you!
Sheye, so true are your words…sometimes we need to look at what we truly do have and realise that it is not the material things in this life that we have although they are nice, but it is love, laughter, partners, children, friends, health & so much more this is what matters, this is what true happiness is all about. As always Sheye your photos are amazing & Miss Ivy well she just takes my breath away :) xx
I am a score keeper. I have an internal balance sheet, with my family, friends and co workers. I fight this on a daily basis, I know logically that this path only leads to madness, good stuff doesn’t happen to good people because they are good. Stuff just happens, there is no logic.
Who you are is how you can deal with that, how you keep on going and the relationships you forge.
I don’t deserve a good life because my balance sheet is clean. I know this. All we have is hope. I know there is no logic to hope, it is just a wish and a belief in the ultimate generosity of humanity.
I believe in you.
I believe in the generosity, hope and goodness of you.
xxx
Sheye,
This must be one of your most touching posts yet…I’m one of the lucky ones, and I know it! I tell myself daily and thank God for my blessings. I pray that I’ll never know the pain you live with…and you know I pray for you all. Love the photos…well, except the spider of course – but I’m still coming! It will be worth it just to give you the hug I’ve been saving all of these months…
laureen
I just love the look on Grandads face he must have missed you all so much :)
And Ivy she just gets more grown up everytime you post a pic and the curl in her hair! More pics please you know me always wanting more!
Sue xx
Welcome home Grandda! Love the boys new summer buzz cuts, and Ivish is just divine! Glad to think of you all together this week. Hugs, Mandy Leilani and Kaiesha.
And that, dear Sheye, is the bittersweet ‘gift’ of grief. I have learned it and understand it all too well. My heart aches when others- like yours and Creighton’s are opened to this reality. It’s like we gain new eyesight- a whole new perspective in life. Which can inspire and lead to great things because there IS a new understanding and keen awareness to the world around us. But yet…there is forever a heart that holds on to and remembers the ‘innocence’ of the past.
I think of you and your sweet Ava all the time. And I keep praying that this journey you are on and sharing so intimately with others will turn into a blessing. Despite the enormity of the hurt you feel each day for Ava. I continue to pray for you and wish you peace on this road you travel.
Thank you! I read your blog often and have never commented. I have often wanted to, but out of a loss for word from what you have been through, I haven’t until now! Your documetation of your horrible tragedy over the past months has impacted me in so many ways. All that I can say is Thank you for helping me to realize my blessings in the midst of everyday life. You and your words are a tremendous blessing to many, many people!
THinking of you and crayton tomorrow. Much love Caro
These are fantastic images Sheye.. You have the most handsome boys and Ivy is gorgeous. There is pure joy in these images
thanks for your wonderful thoughts. even though i can only imagine the challenges you have faced, your words today truly inspired me. i know we all face challenges and trials, most of the time now knowing why, but it is in those deeply painful and difficult times that we grow the most and become better people. and i think a huge part of that process is being extremely grateful for all the many things in your life that you have. everyday. everyday you have something you can smile about, something to make you laugh, something to be happy about. everyday you can feel joy, you just have to learn to recognize it.
thanks again for your strength. and your beautiful pictures i’ve watched over the last few months since i’ve found your blog.
I’m back for another look…I absolutely adore the pictures of Grand dad…..