38 sentiments shared

The Academy needs a new award…

“The Oscar For Best Attempt At Appearing Like A Normal Family When Everything Is On It’s Head“….

I guess I’m breathing a sigh of relief this week. We did it. We got through Easter. We bought the eggs, we hid the eggs, we even wrote letters to the Easter Bunny and put munch marks in carrots at 1am. We squealed along with the kids in the morning and traded chocolate with the grownups…all the while thinking “But where is Ava?”

I kept thinking back to the year before, I have photos of her, all sleepy eyed and a bit confused at the chocolate booty with her name on it. We took eggs out to the cemetary and I found it really hard to leave. It is the most surreal, abnormal, wrong thing to do. To deliver your childs eggs to a cemetary. To sit talking to the grass and wondering, wishing, refusing to believe. It’s just not right.

On Tuesday we went away for a mini holiday – our first one with everyone, well almost..you know what I mean. The first day was great, I really thought it was lovely and relaxing and the boys were having such a fantastic time…It felt so nice to do something “normal”.

Then for whatever reason, I came crashing down and the next few days were like so many days at home..just going through the motions and lost in sadness. We still did nice things, the boys still had a ball and I kept my promise to do lots of things with them but I felt a bit fake…like a big pretender…riding bikes around, eating brekky, going on a champagne cruise. All very nice. But, just like Easter, I was really thinking the whole time “Why isn’t Ava here”?

I will say something though, I’m getting used to the roller coaster. I don’t fear it as terribly as I did..I’m starting to realise there are bad days and there are better days. That the pain isn’t constantly unbearable…it wavers and it’s just too terrible sometimes and it’s a little okay sometimes. Luckily my “too terrible” hours usually seem to land on Crayte’s “little bit okay” hours and vice versa so we pull each other out of the hole most of the time.

But there are still so many moments where I think I’m doing a bit better and I think of her and that she’s not here and she’s not coming back and that it happened to us and I suck my breath in and my tummy does a flip.

Anyway, I took photos while away – here are a few. How adorable is Ivy in her swim skirt? I’m not sure I’d carry it off.

1. Carrie Young says:

   oh Sheye *tummy flip* it’s odd you know – I was just about to write “I am so proud of you” and then thought… what the hell? proud… it’s such an odd word & could even be considered condecending…. I know you will know that it’s not – we have said it to each other often in the past. Albeit on a totally different subject matter… but I know ykwim…

   as for wee Ivy – i absolutely KNOW that I couldn’t carry that gorgeous swimskirt off! she looks beautiful! and I miss your crazy happy boys!!

   love to you all xoxox

   
2. Kate says:

   darlin,you are just so precious.
   Your photos of those stunning dark-eyed :-) kids never fail to make me smile. And that Ivy…you’re going to have to lock her up with cute legs like that you know!
   xxoo

   
3. Holly says:

   Sheye! I am glad that there is some light amongst all of the dark, it’s these times that will get you through and make it all a bit easier. I check your blog regulary to see how you are all going, my heart melts for you every time a read an entry! you are an amazing woman and have some beautiful children, Ivy is adorable in that swimskirt. Lots of Love Holly xx

   
4. Sue says:

   Oh you beautiful person you! You do not give yourself enough credit. You would look every bit as cute as Ivy in a swimskirt hee hee hee!

   Lotsa hugs and kisses
   xx
   Sue

   
5. Anonymous says:

   Ooh look at cutie Ivy and your beautiful boys! Love to see your photo’s Sheye. I do check your blog often as I wonder how you and your family are – thanks for sharing your thoughts. Janelle xxxxxx

   
6. precious pink pumps says:

   Ivy is such a precious poppet. She has this quiet cheeky side that comes out in these pics don’t you think?
   YOu have crossed a very long bridge getting through Easter. It must have been hard feeling like you were the great pretender – but that’s what great mummy and daddies do…we pretend when we dont’ feel like playing lego or making jelly, because we love our kids. You have made some special memories for them at what could have been a really really hard time. xxx

   
7. verybusylady says:

   You are amazing- I appreciate every word you write

   
8. Lea says:

   Hi gorgeous,
   Ivy does look so cute in her swimskirt & Luca’s milk moustache is just adorable.
   We are always thinking of you here in my house & would you believe Ava’s gardenia has a bud on it! It is sitting next to me as we ‘speak’.
   So much love to you honey
   Lea xxx

   
9. Sussanah says:

   Sheye,
   You rock sweetheart. You rock.

   
10. Angie Penrose says:

    These photos are so darling. It looks like you have a fun family!

    
11. Fariha says:

    Wow!! Ivy is growing up to be more and more beautiful each day (not that she wasnt before :p). Luca and Mason are adorable as well! I think everyone else said what I wanted to say, you are amazing!

    
12. Jody says:

    When you write, it could be me all over again. It takes me back to my very own reality, now five and a half years ago. I thought that life couldn’t possibly hold anything beautiful again- even though I still had two children and a surviving hubby after all our injuries.
    I so understand and feel the ‘lump in your throat’ as your kids search for eggs and bite the ears off the choclate bunnies. I have ‘ridden the same waves of grief’ which toss you from despair to reality to disbelief, only to come at you again with more strength sometimes than you think you are capable of bearing.
    My heart aches for you, and keeps drawing me back here to read and to pray as you journey ahead and forge a ‘new path’ in this life. One without Ava is not easy to trod. I remember when I was in the midst of my dark and gloom, and for a time, a part of me didn’t want to take another step- especially if it was a step forward, as I felt a part of me was leaving my little girl behind. I can close my eyes still at any given time, or simply come to a landing of steps, and immediately my memories take me back to the day I stood on the steps of my front door knowing that my next steps were taking me to my little girl’s memorial service. You are so right, when you talk of it being unnatural and surreal. It is the very definition of ‘unfair’ in life.
    But, I see in you, a longing for that life you once knew…the one where Ava ran free and all your days were filled with beauty. Not perfect, by any means, but still, they were innocent and glorious and untainted in contrast to the life in which you live now. In the reality of Ava’s death.
    I am encouraged and keep praying for you and Crayton. My husband and I saw firsthand why marriages often fail after the death of a child. Life is hard. It’s so unfair, and those waves of grief and pain, can and do strike often and unexpectedly at times. I will pray with all I have that the two of you will be able to draw on the strength of the other (as you have seen already…it is a blessing when you don’t “sink” and hit bottom at the same time) and hopefully find it within yourselves (or as I remember clearly, it was NOT within in me, but in my SURRENDERING my everything to God) to cling to the life you hope to live, and to seek beauty wherever you can find it (as in little Ivy’s bathing suit, and the smiles and happiness of your boys- just being boys) and not let the pain you are feeling tear you apart anymore than it already has.
    I have found, and continue to find, that the way I bring honor to my daughter’s memory, is to embrace goodness in life. To find beauty and Joy in life, to me, is a measure of the depth of my love for her. Almost as if I am trying to live enough happiness and see enough goodness and beauty for the both of us.
    Sheye~ I have never met you and have no idea if any of my words make sense. I only hope that you can trust my experiences are real and true, and that THAT may be enough for you at this time. To simply know that there is beauty and joy and more happiness to be had in life. And that it is worth every ounce of yourability and strength to seek that. I pray that Ava will be a light shining on you from above and within, that makes you want to forge the path to your ‘new life’ in this world. It is mopst definitely a journey. One that I pray you will come to know, has it’s own twists and turns, but that also holds its own beauty.

    
13. kballard2 says:

    no words, but i send you a smile, and a hug, and a tear…thank you.

    
14. Ebony Rose says:

    Sheye you don’t give yourself enough credit for how far you have come.

    Every little step will probably feel like your climbing a mountain, but keep on trekking babe, you & Crayton are walking through the motions as well as you possibly can.

    I’m sure that Ava would be proud of you both with your journey so far, to have gotten through Easter with Ivy & the boys. Even if to you it feels a little “fake”.

    Jen is right, you gave your kids great Easter Holiday memories and even the greatest parents fake at times because we have unconditional love for our gorgeous babies & pleasing them is our only goal.

    Ivy is simply just too adorable in that swim skirt, and no way even pre babies would i have pulled that off!

    Luca has always come across very mysterious to me & I love that about him.

    Mason is just too cute in that shot, yummy hot chocolate!! I think?? what child wouldn’t smile at that!!

    Its great to see how much fun the kids had on their holiday, wee Ivy running across the bridge, the boys & their smiles, your family is just gorgeous.

    You & Crayton are doing a great job babe. Stay strong & much love to you all

    Ebz xoxoxo

    
15. Anonymous says:

    My heart aches for you…
    From across the ocean I am sending along my prayers and a hug for you.
    Much Love to you and your family,
    Kate
    from So Cal

    
16. Anonymous says:

    Oh Sheye, tears on my cheeks, but smiling broadly through them at your gorgeous little imp in her swimskirt – it was MADE for her! :) It is so very lovely to see your glorious boys again, I can feel their energy through your images.

    Sheye, I have had to fake rather a lot of enthusiasm for my family – not as often now as a few years ago – it feels horrible to do, but think of it as a gift of normalcy for your children. It may be fake, but for them you are there, you shared it with them, it was fun, it becomes part of the tapestry of memories of their lives. Faking’s harder than hiding, but if we didn’t do it, our children would pay an even higher price for their losses IYKWIM. So, I say fake it til you make it, baby… ;)
    love, love, love
    Sue
    xxx

    
17. sylvia says:

    Lots of love,
    sylvia xoxox

    
18. Lynda says:

    Dear Sheye,
    God bless you sweetheart.
    Love Lynda

    
19. Kaz says:

    Sheye,
    Pretending is okay.Love to you always
    xoxox
    Kaz

    
20. Jodie says:

    Oh Sheye your photo’s are just stunning! They take my breath away!

    Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us. I too regularly check your blog to see how you and your family are going. I just appreciate your honesty and heartfelt words. I just wish that I could give you a big hug!
    Love Jodiexxx

    
21. Tanya says:

    Oh Sheye…you are amazing and so very brave:-) You have a beautiful family these photos are so precious… Ivy is absolutely adorable, your boys growing into handsome young men…my heart melts everytime I read your blog… Sheye you are an inspiration and you really don’t give yourself enough credit… You put yourself out there for your children and in doing so have given them beautiful memories that they will treasure always.

    Love to you and your family,
    Tanya xoxo

    
22. Georgie says:

    I have gone to post so many times Sheye and I always hit delete because I can never find the right words……
    I guess there aren’t any, so I’ll press submit – please know I am thinking of you and your gorgeous family always….
    Forever in my thoughts
    Georgie xxx

    
23. Trudi says:

    Oh Sheye that swimskirt was made for Ivy, how darn cute is she.

    
24. Diva Mama Diva says:

    What a breathtaking new photo of Ava. thank you for sharing.

    I’m so glad you made it through Easter, and got to have some time away together. My heart is so warmed by your beautiful family and how you live your lives with love, fun and courage. I am so very glad to see you pick your camera up Sheye and share more photos of your children with us. Ivy – wow how she is growing! What a little model in her swimskirt. Too cute!

    much love, Mandy xxx

    
25. Kristina says:

    complete and total stranger here, who did not even know about you before your tragedy. But, you touched my heart, and I think of you and your family often. I know life still has much happiness in store for you.

    
26. Kim says:

    xoxoxoxxoxo seems to be all I can ever say….

    
27. LisaB says:

    I don’t know Sheye, with all those gym workouts I think you might give Miss Ivy a run for her money in a swimskirt!! Gorgeous photos of a gorgeous family. I think of you all daily.
    xxx

    
28. Kim says:

    These pictures are gorgeous. You are doing much better than I would be doing! I really appreciate it that you take the time to write about this. It’s such a reminder to take nothing for granted.

    I hope you don’t mind, but I nominated you for a “Thinking Blogger” award on my blog. No pressure to keep the award going, just thought I ought to let you know!

    
29. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like you are doing a great job keeping up the normality for your little ones.

    Your photos are gorgeous. The ones of Ava must be so precious to you.
    Thank you for sharing them with us all.

    Zoe

    
30. Vanessa and Kara says:

    I hesitate with posting here because I just don’t know what to say to you. My heart breaks for you Sheye but I am also so so proud of your ability to express this entire nightmare in the way you do. Like many others, I honestly have not had a day since Ava left when you and your family have not been in my thoughts ~ nothing has ever affected me in this way before and I think that is because I witnessed the bond that you have with your children. I believe that this very bond will be what ‘gets you through’ this for the want of better words.

    It is so nice to see pics of the boys and Ivy and oh my, is she (and they of course!!!) not just DIVINE!!! Look at those legs ~ bite them for me LOL!

    Thinking of you sooo much,

    Vanessa xx

    
31. Jeanette says:

    Well, I’m fairly sure I could pull off the swim skirt….HA!

    Your words are, as always, so expressive that I feel as if I am sitting next to you, hearing your voice.

    Holding you in my heart.
    Jeanette

    
32. marla says:

    I don’t remember how I came accross your blog..maybe it was through flickr? Ever since I read about Ava, I come back to visit frequently. YOu are an amazing woman and you may not even know it, but you inspire me to look at each day differently. I don’t know you personally, but you sound like an incredible woman. I’m sure Ava is looking down at you with a smile.

    You have a beautiful family and the photos you take capture their beauty in every way.

    Thank you for sharing your life story with us. Sending big hugs from Ca. :)

    
33. KateLilyCharlotte says:

    Sheye, thanks for sharing pics of Ivy and the boys.

    Thank you also for sharing with us a little bit of how you are feeling, so eloqeuntly.

    Thinking of you and your family all the time,

    Kate7250 xxxxxxxxxx

    
34. Ariana says:

    Sheye,
    I didn’t know you before. I actually found your blog through flickr, through the pink balloons group.
    I read your entire blog and must’ve spent an hour doing so as I had to stop and stare at every picture of Ava for several minutes.
    She’s so beautiful.
    Thank you for your blog, for updating and inspiring me to go spend every minute enjoying my girls.
    Ivy looks amazing in those swim pants :)

    
35. bentley waters says:

    Sheye, allow me to introduce myself. I’m a children’s photographer in NYC and I came across your site while surfing the web a few days ago. Your photos are gorgeous. After reading your blog I felt compelled to say hello and just let you know I’ve been thinking about you, your family and your loss of Ava. I recently had a baby (6 months) and also loss my mother so it has been a bittersweet ride. The emotional roller coaster… Anyways, keep sharing your thoughts, I’ll keep reading. Best to you.

    
36. erika says:

    oh my, how cute she is!!!! sniff, can’t we click to see it bigger? I love it!!! Your photos are so wonderful that I always want to see them a bit bigger! ;-)

    
37. Kate says:

    I can’t get the Roy Orbison song out of my head – Oh I’m the Great Pretender…

    You know, as long as you are good at it – the pretending – then maybe just maybe the pretending won’t feel as much like pretending in time?

    I have so missed seeing your gorgeous boys and Ivy. They are sublime!

    k8

    
38. Aunty Ange says:

    God I love these photos. It just sums up so perfectly how happy those boys are and how treasured Ivy is… (she’s happ too mind you!!) Looking at these images makes me so proud and full of love I am almost bursting..