23 sentiments shared

Apr
30

7 257 600 seconds.

Three months or twelve weeks or eighty four days…and so on. 7 257 600 seconds have come and gone since our beautiful princess disappeared from our family and our future. Sure, we still include her, every single day, but there is a space at the dining table that can never be filled.
On February 1st, I stood in the front garden taking pictures of the boys and their friend and his dog. We were laughing as the dog tried to munch my camera and then Ava came home from kindy with Grandad. She came running through the garden and her face literally broke into the biggest smile when she spotted me. She just looked so incredibly happy. As she ran toward me, I snapped away and felt a little guilty that I was focused on capturing her more than hugging her but I couldn’t help it.
I love these pictures so much. Dressed in her favourite princess frock, they show her innocence, her joy, the remains of a chocolate surprise that came from Grandad on the way home, no doubt, and a spot on her forehead. (She came to me on Saturday morning and said “Mummy, what’s this?”, pointing to the offending spot. I said “Oh honey, that’s just a spot, it will go away”. And she said “But Mummy, I can’t be a princess with this spot”.)
I remember seeing the messy pony tails that kindy had done and thinking about a photo comp requiring pigtail pics – I decided these were way too slapdash for an entry and would wait until another day to capture them.
I replay this day and the next in slow motion, I remember so many little details and wish I could print out the images in my head. I hope they never, ever fade but I realistically know they will.
I’ve realized that part of the frustration and pain we feel is that when your children are with you, you get to distribute little bits of love to them, every single day. As parents, you sometimes feel your heart “swell” and just have to reach over and give your child a hug and tell them you love them. When you lose one, the love you have for them increases so dramatically, it’s immeasurable, but it has nowhere to go. I can’t dispense the love I have for Ava. It just sits inside, bursting at the seams, making it hard to breathe. Sometimes it slips out just a little with the tears but at the end of the day, she’s there and I’m here and there is so little comfort in between.
Thankyou for the memories, darling girl. Iloveyousomuch.
xxx

23 shared sentiments
  1. Brissiemum2 says:

    She is absolutely beautiful. Once again, you and your camera have captured her true essence. I still cry tears for Ava even though I only ever saw her through your lens. I wish we could all unite and take away your pain. Even though we can’t please know that you are thought about every day. With love.

  2. Anonymous says:

    We will keep you in our prayers! Your children are beautiful and this story broke my heart—We will be praying for you. Erika, Mississippi

  3. Sara Moon says:

    Sheye, your words are written so that I never want your posts to end. Your writing touches me and alerts me and makes me think and feel things I wouldn’t otherwise. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
    All my strength to you,
    Sara (from Grow)

  4. Fariha says:

    Oh Sheye you made me cry once again. She takes my breath away. I am looking at these pictures and feeling upset that she is not here…..I really cant imagine your pain. I cant even pretend to know how great your pain is……all I can do is cry for you and your family.

  5. Kaz says:

    Sheye,Such beautiful yet heartbreaking words about your beautiful princess Ava that touch us all.Thank You for sharing this part of you.I can only imagine how great your loss must be and I am so so sorry it is this way.My thoughts are with you.Love Kaz xoxo

  6. Carrie Young says:

    Gosh Sheye…. I truely hope you understand what a beautiful gift you have at writing…. you make me feel like a bystander, watching & listening every moment you describe, play out before me. Your words are just beautiful … may they bring you some (if only a little) comfort now & help you to remember these moments in years to come. xox

  7. Shayne Hope says:

    Sheye, I have downloaded Ava’s Rule postcard and will pass the message onto everyone I know.

    I read your blog everyday now as I cannot get enough of your beautiful photography but how i wish I didn’t learn of your talents through your tragedy.

    I second Carrie, your words are amazing and I feel like I know you so well.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, I feel so honoured.

    Shayne Hope
    Wollongong NSW

  8. Tanya says:

    Sheye, such beautiful words & priceless photos… Ava truly was a Princess… I hope over time these treasured memories will bring comfort to you and I hope they make you smile… I can’t ease the heartache you feel but know that you are in my thoughts everyday.

    Much love Tanya xxx

  9. Anonymous says:

    Sheye, another gorgeous story about your princess. I have circulated Ava’s postcard to so many people today – her message and spirit is truly reaching around the world. Janelle xx

  10. Anonymous says:

    Sheye, that was so beautifully written.
    I have thought of you and Ava every day since the accident. You will continue to be my in my thoughts and in my heart.
    sylvia xox

  11. Sue J says:

    Oh sweetie, thank you so much for sharing those precious pics – I can’t believe how grown up Ava looks with her kindy pigtails – she is, will always be, heart-melting.

    I must echo everyone’s sentiments about your gift of eloquence – I had never really considered the problem of a surfeit of love and nowhere to pour it. The idea makes my heart ache in sympathy. You make this journey real for us, even from afar and you make us retain our gratitude for every little moment that we might otherwise take for granted in our everyday blindness. Thank you for opening my eyes anew everytime I visit you Sheye.
    love, love, love
    Sue J
    xxx

  12. D says:

    oh sheye! i’ve been reading your blog for some time now, and my heart breaks for you everytime.
    ((HUGS))

  13. Lea says:

    Huge hugs gorgeous
    With love
    Lea xox

  14. Kate says:

    Sheye – through your words and photos, I can feel and see the massive amount of love you have for Ava.

    You and the whole family are in my thoughts each and every day.

    Love k8

  15. tara pollard pakosta says:

    you know sheye, if you keep looking through photos of ava and recording the memories as they come to you, those sweet moments can be remembered forever. you can make a book all about darling ava and have it to always look at and read and remember her….she is so so beautiful. those photos are beyond priceless. you captured her just as she was. innocent and lovely. my heart aches for you.
    tara

  16. Anonymous says:

    May god bless you and your family, I am so happy that I found your blog and have been reading it. I must admit I cry every time, but it does make me appreciate my children even more than I already do. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that Ava is still with you daily, giving you strengh to go on for yourself and her siblings. When I lost someone close to me I bought a book called “Angel Catcher” by kathy and Amy Eldon, it helped me with dealing with my emotions. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you again for sharing Ava with all of us, by your photos and touching words.
    With love,
    Michelle, from Massachusetts

  17. kathryn says:

    Your words are always so beautiful, Sheye.
    They are always so touching. Those pictures of Ava are so sweet. Thank you again for sharing her with all of us. Thinking of you!
    xx Kate (from grow)

  18. Ebz says:

    The shots you capture of Ava really are special Sheye, and oh so precious, she looks so happy in her favourite frock and the choccie smeared across her mouth. Just truly gorgeous, nothing you don’t already know though.

    Continue with the writing sweets, as you are preserving some of the most special memories. Sharing them with everyone is truly brave and amazing.

    All our love Sheye,

    Ebz & family xoxo

  19. Jodie says:

    Oh Sheye! My eyes have just watered again reading your heartfelt words… You have such a gift with words. We are all so thankful for that gift ~ we are able to feel along side of you and hold your hand on your painful journey.
    Love Jodie xxx

  20. Kim says:

    Sheye, your words have such wisdom. I think of you and Ava everyday. And I also think of Grandad…and wonder how he is doing.

  21. erin says:

    Sheye, found your blog through several photog sites. I just have to say that the words that you’re putting to your pain are so beautiful and such a loving tribute to your darling Ava. Thank you for sharing your journey…so many are being touched by your story.

  22. Jeanette says:

    Sheye,
    that last paragraph. I am without words. oh – I ache for you, with every fiber of my being, with every cell in my mother-heart. Your words are a gift to the world.

  23. Vanessa and Kara says:

    Beautiful words, from a beautiful mummy.

    You have such a gift with words Sheye. x

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