Another Mummy who’d lost her beautiful daughter said to me ‘It’s as if you’ve been spat back into another Universe where everything looks exactly the same but feels so different”. Oh how I hear her.

We walk in the same shoes, travel the same roads and go to sleep under the same stars yet everything feels unfamiliar. Crayton said weeks ago, “the light is different”. And yes, it is. I could not have imagined a life without her, I still can’t, except that is what I have, every single day, a life without her. We are bearing the unbearable. It still seems so completely unreal.

I ponder the week before her accident and remember we had some really beautiful days. One week before we dressed the girls up and took them to Sanctuary Cove where we shared cake and laughter and discussed how we would spend many more days doing just that…

The next day we took Luca, Mason and Ava to Shearwater Crescent – our favourite beach haunt – and really, really enjoyed watching them run around as a little trio. I took lots of photos and when I proofed them I found a favourite but had no idea that it would mean so much to us only a week later. To us, Daddy’s back was turned and Ava is being called…she’s looking to the sky with such wonder and acceptance and happiness..We had it at her service and it hangs in our loungeroom.. At times, it brings us comfort.

The day before Ava’s accident was Ivy’s first day at kindy. Ava was so excited about showing her the ropes and proudly led the way in that morning. They played on the carpet while I took photos. This is the last image I took of Ava. It’s not great technically but of course it’s one of the most valuable images I have.

One more thing I wanted to share..

For months, I had been gathering ideas for a new business website. I had a definate idea of the theme I wanted – vintage – and had pretty much designed the entire site short of choosing the final logo. On Saturday morning, at 10.30am, I sat down at the pc to begin putting my ideas together. For some reason, instead of working with what I’d had in mind, I started to put together something completely different, based around Ava. I didn’t think too hard about it, I just put it down and even down to the quote at the bottom – I was just driven to get it all down just as you see it here. I even chose pink for the font soley because it was Ava’s favourite colour. I have no idea why I designed something so completely different to my ideas. I worked on it up until noon with Ava right beside me, driving me crazy asking a million questions as usual.. :)

When I came back the following week to start collating photos for the funeral slideshow, I sat down and turned the screen on and this was sitting there, right where I’d left it on Saturday, an hour before the accident.

I used the image and the quote on the front of her funeral service booklet.

I am grateful for these moments in the week before..they’re not enough, but I’m glad for them.

Yesterday I accidentally deleted my entire Inbox.

I can’t begin to even try and think about what’s lost – I have received so many beautiful emails over the past month that I had looked forward to returning one day soon..

I’m currently taking some time out from the technical World – pc, phones..etc etc, just to restore a little..but if anyone who did write to me would like to quickly send me a line to just give me their email address again, I’d appreciate it very much.

S xxxx