The Journey, The Regrets, The Gifts.
I’ve really struggled with the idea of updating my blog – I just don’t know where to start or where to finish.. I can’t imagine that I ever will post again about what photos I took that day or what funny things the kids did or how crazy they drove me…that sounds too much like a normal day in a normal World. The one I used to have. It’s a faint memory and an even fainter hope for the future.
Jennifer said think of a firefly. I’m in a pitch black room, the deepest darkness, yet if I squint long enough, peer hard enough, dare to hope enough, I might just find a firefly. Some days I think I see it…if only for a moment. I try to imagine a day where we live once again as a complete family, with days that include lots of laughter and plans and happiness. That Ava would be our beautiful angel Super-Princess, watching over our new, different but happy family. That she would smile along with us and that it would be okay. Okay would be enough.
But then, most of the days I can’t even imagine the firefly. It’s not there. Some days I don’t even want it to be.
I could write endlessly about Ava. The reason I won’t here is because I want to record it all by hand. I have bought the most beautiful leather bound journal, pink of course, and I want it to be with me at any moment. To be passed on. For my great grandchildren to have a glimpse of the wonder that was Ava.
I will share a little though about these three things.
The Journey.
Anyone who knows me already knows what a girly girl I am. And therefore, just how much it mean to me to have a girl. Of course, there is no doubt my boys are my everything too, but I would never have stopped having children until I had a girl. When the scan man told me she was a she, I gripped his arm, looked into his eyes and hissed that he must not tell me that unless he meant it. Unless he was really, truly sure. I even went back a month later and did the scan all over again, just to hear those words one more time..
I spent weeks, nay months, getting her nursery ready. I ordered linen from the US. I hand painted her furniture. I turned an average suburban bedroom into a PALACE. It was everything I’d ever wanted. Complete.
Her birth was wonderous. She arrived into water, into the arms of her Daddy and her aunty Angie. I took her home and marvelled. For three years and almost six months, we marvelled. We adored and spoilt and thanked the stars that we had been so damn lucky.
She was everything I had ever wanted in a girl and more. She LOVED her clothes, she LOVED pink, she LOVED lipstick. She could out-girl me anyday. She was so beautiful to look at, we would just stop and stare, so often, and no matter how many photos of her I’d already shown Crayte from that day’s shoot, I’d have to show him “just one more”. She was so loved at kindy and when she’d arrive home smelling of Miss Bernicey’s perfume with some elaborate hairstyle, I’d smile knowing she’d been cuddled and fussed over that day.
Her grandad taught her “You Are My Sunshine” and to hear her sing it would make you melt, honestly. She was clever too – she adjusted the words to suit the audience so the last line would always be “Please don’t take my ****(audience member) away”. I only said a few weeks back that I needed to get it videotaped (I never did). She was so loving to her brothers and sister – she would hear Ivy wake on the monitor and rush in saying “It’s okay darling, it’s okay”. Once Luca scared her wearing a halloween mask and she burst into tears but then rushed at him with her arms out, softly pleading “Luca, please don’t scare me”. She was so sweet and beautiful and amazing. We called her “Amazing Ava”.
The Regrets.
I know people say not to have them. That they are pointless and will drive me mad. But they are there. Not about that day, not really. I know we were doing nothing other than living out a normal day. That I believed she was safe and sound. That I tried my absolute very best, every single day of her life, to keep her safe. I didn’t even let her go to the shopping center for fear that she’d get lost. So I don’t really feel like I could have done that day differently.
What I do regret though is not just taking more time.
Just kneeling down and putting lippy on her, every single morning, regardless of what someone might think or whether she’s too young or if she’d ruin her new Oilily top.
I wish I’d taken her shopping on so many more days. I was just waiting until she got “easier”, when she might not pest or maybe get lost or throw a tantrum.
One of my first entries on this blog is about wanting a proper tea party with her. I never did it. I have no idea why but I never did. I guess I thought I had time.
I regret not letting her wear whatever she wanted every single day – why did I think it mattered?
She asked me to sleep in her bed one night. Why didn’t I? I just regret these things for me. Not for her. She had everything she needed. She had love. SOOOOOOOO much love. Every single day, she was loved. She was happy. She was cherished and adored. But for me, I am sad.
The Gifts.
It’s such early days but I can tell you already – along with the agonising pain that comes with losing her, there are Gifts.
I am more patient. I am more forgiving, of others and myself. I see beauty in so many things I took for granted. I am real and honest and open, more than ever before. I have made amazing, deep, unexpected friendships. I didn’t think I could love my husband any more but I do. I am a deeper, better person.
There are so many other gifts I could talk about on a practical level – there are beautiful people doing amazing things behind the scenes to raise awareness of Ava’s accident in the hope this never has to happen again. The amazingly talented, truly beautiful Tiffany Ard is writing a childrens book for Ava. We will, in time, work towards a foundation in Ava’s name. We are so committed to wanting wonderful things to come out of Ava’s tragedy…for our own family and for families the World over.
These things I call “Gifts From Ava’. She sends them every single day.
I like to imagine that one day my memories of the journey I shared with Ava and the gifts she continues to give me are enough. That the regrets fade and that great things have become, because of Ava. That’s all I can hope for.
43 shared sentiments
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nice article…keep on bloggin
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My dearest fellow mother, I don’t know you but how I wish that this was easy as clicking back on your archives, January, December, November, etc. Clicking back in time to bring Ava to you. I wish such a button could exist for you. I do wish you strength and a path of healing, I also hope you will embrace your sadness, it is yours and it is as real as it gets. It is amazing how we love all of our children equally but the relationship with each one is unique and special. Each child is a gift and your loss is great beyond measure.
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Every time you write you record something amazing about Ava. You are creating memories for your family, and storing moments for you. Don’t Stop.
xxJennifer xxxx
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‘O’…here is a hug for you…such a beautiful person….
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Oh Sheye ~ I have told you before and I will again…. you are truly amazing. I know you don’t feel it but how can we all be wrong?
I pray for the day you see that firefly ~ I have never met anybody that deserves it more than yourself.
Thinking of you constantly….
Vanessa xxx
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Sheye
I have cried tears for you~said prayers for you~and felt my heart break for you. Perhaps it hurt more than normal because I felt like we are sharing a similar life on opposite sides of the world; 4 kids, photography, etc..
Thank you for your post today. For reminding me of the need to cherish my 4 little people a bit more than I thought was possible. To love better & more fully.
Thank you Sheye for keeping Ava alive through your beautiful words & loving actions.
~Stacey
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Thank you Sheye for sharing these words from the heart. To remind us to cherish each day. Much love to you and your family.
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Sheye… that was so beautiful and touching. I wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts several times a day and because of you I am reminded of what is important in life… my family. I pray that you will find comfort in those around you and from a far.
Sweet Ava will never be forgotten!
Much love to you and your family.(((hugs)))
Kate
a fellow grow member
from Southern California
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God bless you and your family. I am sure little Ava is looking down on you all smiling.
I hope the fireflies come out soon for you.
Take care of yourself and your little ones.
Zoe
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Oh Sheye, you are a truly amazing, beautiful person.
The strength you have shown through this difficult time is inspiring. I have learnt so much from you personally and for that I am thankful.Love to you and your precious family always,
Sylvia xoxoxo
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Hi, Sheye-
Your words are so raw, so heartbreaking, yet so beautiful. It was obvious from your previous blogs just how much you loved sweet Ava- what a wonderful tribute. A very wise person once told me- after I lost someone I loved dearly- that the day would come when I would no longer think of the darkness- the painful end, the regrets, the sadness. She said the day would come when I would just see my loved one’s wonderful spirit and cherish all the amazing memories. I truly believe the day will come where will that will be all that you see- Ava’s fantastic spirit- and it will feel okay to laugh and to feel genuine joy. Afterall, thats what it sounds like Ava did every day of her life- and I know that is what she would wish for you. Until you find that firefly- we are all thinking of you, wishing you strength and peace.
Take care
Melanie in the USA
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Your words have touched my life. The photos of Ava have touched my life. Thank you so much for sharing.
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My heart breaks for you and your family. Sending love and prayers.
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I am a lurker through tears saying I’m so so sorry for your loss.
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This entry has astounded me, it is truly spectacular. It is simple, clear, loving and beautifully articulated. Your words will resonate in many lives throughout the world and that is astounding. Like Jen I say keep writing. Good, bad, ugly, uglier – keep writing. To yourself or to us. Live, laugh, love, cry in each moment as it comes. Thanks.
S xx
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Wow , what an amazing lady you are!
So deep and so honest, some people live there whole lives unable to achieve that, something else your Super Princess has had a helping hand in I’m sure.
Your little girl has created such and impact and awarness on so may people its just amazing (Amazing Ava). Thankyou for sharing your thoughts Sheye such a selfless act on your part but I don’t think you realise how much and how many people’s lives are put into perspective because of it.Love and strength to you and your family xxxx
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Sheye your Super Princess will forever be by your side. I can see her, like Carrie, up there smiling down on us all.
Was lovely to hear your voice today,you are an amazing person & I am so proud to call you my friend.
Always thinking of you hon
Lea xxx
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Sheye your words are as beautiful as the images you capture. Amazing Ava is watching down, smiling, adjusting her pink sparkles and feeling the love she knows as normal. Thank you for sharing your beautiful angel with us all! Hugs to you and your family. Christine
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keep writing, sweetheart.. Youre painting such beautiful pictures.
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just looking at your back posts of ava, i can see the love with each photograph you captured of her darling face and the words you wrote were always so full of love.
i wish i could just take away some of your pain, nobody should ever have to go through this.
but you are right, there are gifts from Ava, and the time you did have can never be taken away from you.
i will remember your super princess forever.
tara
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I found your blog by accident of sorts but I want you to know how touched I am by this sweet tribute to your beautiful daughter. What a bit of sunshine it sounds like she was and will always be in your heart. I will be praying for your family and this tragic loss of such a sweet, beautiful girl.
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This is a beautiful text that make me cry, she seemed so wonderful and everyone can tell you’re speaking from your heart, you are an amazing woman and mother and you will always be in my prayers, There will be many goods things coming out of the bad and you and your family will have a lots and lots of better things, i can tell you are a truly loved family!! I can’t describe how sorry i am and i wish you the best! You are (once again) and Amazing woman and mother, i adore you and i adore that you can write about her, She is special and will always be in my heart even if i didn’t knew her!
Best wishes and take care
Celia!
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You have touched my life with your beautiful words. I was made aware of your daughter’s tragic accident through another photographer’s blog, and I have been thinking of your family and praying for you all ever since. I have two lovely princesses (3 1/2 years and 1 year old) and because of the lessons you have shared I have been reminded of the all the things I still want to do with each of them. You have really touched me and I hope that your heart heals and that you start to see that firefly through the darkness; don’t be afraid to smile.
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THank you for your sharing your heart. I will hold my kids closer to me for we never know when the Lord wants them back. I am sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the pain you are having and hope I never will. God bless you.
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Oh Sheye,
You are just such a beautiful person, your love for your family is blinding. You remind me to cherish my moments, and that is certainly something I dont always do enough of, thankyou for sharing, and know that you have made a difference to my life and the way I see the day to day things. I wish I could send you a fire fly, the biggest on ein the whole world.
Love and hugs to you all,
Trudi and Family
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Hello Sheye. I learned about Ava through another photgrapher’s blog just days after she passed. You and Ava have stayed with me every day since then. I have 2 little girls; one 4 1/2 and another just 2. They are amazing beautiful creatures whom I love and adore and also make me crazy! I often read horrible stories about children dying at a young age, but,thankfully, I never can relate to them. I can easily relate to you and your family. You could be my neighbors. Ava could have been my child. The same thing really could have happened to us. So, every day when I look at my girls and I feel too tired to play or so frustrated I think I will scream or I just want one moment alone without little hands pawing at me, I think of you and your family. And I take a deep breath and feel thankful that I have that moment. I am thankful that I have the fun, silly, loving, hugging, playing moments and the “I can’t another minute of this” moments.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts always.
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dear sheye,
i feel so grateful to have come upon your blog through a fellow flickr photographer. i thank you deeply for sharing “the journey, the regrets, the gifts” with us. my heart feels so heavy. and there’s a lump in my throat that just won’t go away. i can not imagine your sorrow. but truly hope you someday see the shimmering light of a firefly. you must be an amazing person, as god only gives us what he knows we can handle. your darling super princess Ava must certainly already be adorned with beautiful pink wings, because on the day we let go of our pink balloons here in north carolina her spirit was in the air. it was such a peaceful, beautiful, windy day- great for soaring pink balloons! i think of you and yours often. i pray for joy to return to you. take care. and may peace be with you.~mccall~
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I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so much for someone I’ve never met; over this past month you have been on my mind EVERY single day and you are constantly in my prayers. Your loss is unimaginable and is more than any mother should ever have to endure. I wish “I’m sorry” meant something, but I’m not sure it does at a time like this. I just pray that the Father can bring you your firefly someday soon. Until then, know Ava has touched the lives of more than you’ll ever know. God bless.
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Sheye, it has been some time since I read your blog and now today I find this beautiful post from you about your Super Princess. Thank you for sharing
Take care Janelle xxxxxx
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xoxoxoxoxox to you all.
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Oh my, I’m all tears at this very moment but I felt that I needed to write something…I hope this pain leaves you someday, I know it will never leave you forever but at least it won’t heart your body anymore, your soul will be hurt forever. Ava came to life with a purpose and I’m sure she’s done what she needed to do here. That’s for sure and will continue doing good thing and giving gifts to us everyday, just like you said.
All the way from Brazil, I wish you all my love. Erika
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This week thinking of Ava and thinking of you, when Imogen wanted to wear a charming combination of a grotty purple singlet, pink stripey leggings, fairy skirt, no shoes (absolutely NO SHOES MUMMY)and then demanded to take her pram, two babies, beads, a blanket, a purse, a notepad, crayons, plastic grapes, a plastic Simpsons figurine and a number of other odd objects to Declan’s soccer training I said “Yes”. Normally I would have said “No you look like a bag lady and I can’t carry you and all that crap through the soccer field.” But because of Ava I did, and she was so happy, and so was I. Thank you.
xxx
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Your talents for writing and photographing are amazing. I came across your blog through Michelle Croson’s blog. I am in Oregon and wanted to say that even though I have never met you, my prayers go up for you and your family. The darkness will not stay forever. You have a beautiful soul. May you feel the love around you constantly. We don’t know why Ava was needed elsewhere. Her precious face and your love for her have inspired me!
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I found your blog through another photo blog. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your family’s tragedy since then. There are times when I get impatient and frustrated with my children, but after reading about Ava, I realized i can never take this time for granted again. I just wanted you to know that even though I’m a stranger from the U.S., Ava will never be forgotten. She will inspire me to be a better mother and I will always be grateful to her for that. My deepest sympathy to your family.
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My dd just mentioned her yesterday to a stranger.. we told the lady the whole story of Ava. My dd, just turned 4 on Sunday, told of her friend Ava and the lesson she wants others to learn.
Keep that journal0 the handwritten one closeby so you can jot down the simplest and quickest of moments you had with your sweet Ava… and of your other children too.
They might like to have a journal to draw out their feelings, emotions and memories…I continue to keep you and your family in our prayers.
((hugs))
AnneMarieZ in Texas
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I am sitting her now and just trying (and not succeeding) to hold back the tears, with a lump so big in my throat that it hurts and just won’t go away. I cannot even begin to fathom what you are feeling, what you are living. I just want you to know that your words touched me to the core, that Ava’s spirit is alive in every single one of the words, and that I feel her presence.
Please know, from across the miles, there is another mother holding you close to her heart.
Jeanette
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No one “knows” until it happens to them . No one can imagine how they would “go on”.I lost my angel. I am all to familiar with your pain. Please know the days will again become “real”, the pain will numb and happiness will slowly seep back into the places that are now so dark. Ava will always be with you,every single day.Her gifts will give you the grace to live life fully.Let God wrap himself around you.Peace will find you and your family.
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Oh Sheye…I´m just sitting here crying, reading your BEAUTIFUL and thoughtful words and remembering your little Super-Princess…That´s what I´ll ALWAYS do and could NEVER forget – remembering Ava, the most special little girly girl in the world ♥
She is engraved in my heart FOREVER and so are you and Crayton and your families *hugs tight*
Oh how I wish to be able to take away some weight off your shoulders…it´s just not fair…You´re in my thoughts and prayers every single second of the day!!!
With Love,
Jesse xoxo
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Beautifully crafted words for a beautiful little girl… thank you for sharing Ava with us, thank you for sharing your memories of her.
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Dear Sheye,
A friend from Flickr told me about Ava and your family. Looking at her pictures and reading about her, I am so sadden to know she’s no more. I been thinking about her and praying for your family ever since I heard about Ava. I know there is nothing in this world that anyone say to make your pain go away, but just know, strangers from all over the world are thinking of you and your super princess and praying for your family.Someone once told me God sends little angels into this world everyday to make our lives better and happier but there are times, God misses some of the angels he sends down so he calls them back up. Ava is one of those angels and like Carrie said, she is looking down at you and your family at this moment and smiling to see what a strong and wonderful person you truly are and how much she really is loved.
- Fari from Raleigh, NC, USA
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*hug* *hug* *hug*.
I cry many tears for you Sheye.
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Sheye, thank you for sharing “The Journey, The Regrets, The Gifts”. I truly believe Ava was a gift to my family. The way I love and parent my girls Leilani & Kaiesha is more thoughtful now thanks to the gift that is Ava.
I love seeing in frames, I love the beauty in the ordinary, I love my camera, I love that when I see images I hear too. I love the latelight, I love finding moments I didn’t imagine and I love creating moments I did. I love learning more every day, I love sharing what I’ve come to know, and I love making pictures pretty.
I’m so glad you stopped by. xx
Sheye you have such a beautiful way with words. When you write & when you speak. Crayton too. You are an amazing, AMAZING couple.
I have absolutely no doubt that Ava will never ever be forgotten and her spirit will never ever fade, purely thru the way that you and Crayton speak of her so beautifully. I imagine her sitting up there on her pink cloud, in her beautiful pink ballet costume, with a sparkly tiara on… parting her cloud to poke her head thru just to hear what lovely words you have to say about her today!!! I am sitting here with a smile on my face just thinking about it!
You are always in my thoughts, every single hour, of every single day.
Take care of you. Carrie xoxoxoxoxox