Clearly, I love photographs.  But photographs including myself, not so much.  I know a photogenic subject when I see one and I also know that me, I’m not one of them.   I’m fine with this fact, I just figure I got a good phone voice, my sister got photogenic. 

So, one recent day,  I was admittedly filled with part excitement, part terror when Krysta informed me she’d done a secret little something and booked us a shoot with the incredible Miss Tara Whitney.   What?  With me?  As in me on the other side of the camera?  Breeeeaathe.

As the day drew closer, the excitement mostly took over the fear and we madly planned, bombarding poor Tara with random texts and emails.   I can’t think of anything worse than photographing two pedantic, detail obsessed, indecisive photographers but if she was daunted, she didn’t appear to be.  We enticed her with promises of champagne and frivolity and it must have worked, she showed up.

Laden up with forty thousand props, we struggled along suburban streets until suddenly we were there.  The perfect spot.  Hazy light, dusty tracks, gorgeous fields.  All the things we’d hoped for.  Throw in some vintage frocks and a pink bike and we had ourselves a dream session.  Photos aside though, the afternoon we spent together was without a doubt, a highlight of my trip to the States.  We didn’t stop laughing the entire time.  And when we weren’t laughing, we were just so relaxed and happy and comfortable.  Who would have thought?  

And then, the bonus..the photos are just beautiful.  The whole purpose behind Krystas gorgeous idea was to simply capture the friendship we share, and Tara did just that, so perfectly.   Krysta, thankyou for a truly beautiful gift.   Tara, thankyou for a truly beautiful day.   (Again, I’m sorry I tried to run you down with the bike.)  If you’d like to see the result of our splendid time together, you may go here.  (Password: field)

S xx

…it says in the window of one of my favorite Laguna Beach stores this week.  So cute, so true.  In fact some days I’m thinking it’s two part clouds - the weather is a bit gloomy but apparently very normal for now. 

We’re in La Jolla.   (Thank Goodness for Brady who gently informed me it is not pronounced Joll-a as in a variation of jelly but Hoy-a which makes me feel interesting and exotic every time I say it).   It’s every bit as laid back and pretty as we were told - decent shopping, good food, unbelievably gorgeous buildings everywhere. 

Yesterday we did Legoland.  Or Legoland did us, I’m not sure.  Either way we’re a little sunburnt and a lot less finanacial for the experience so I guess the object was achieved.  Children progressed steadily from elated and excited through to expectant and exhausted - the usual theme park model was adhered to nicely.   I’m wondering if those other sunburnt yet gleeful looking grown-ups really do love going to these places or if we’re all just good at pretending?   Today I’m well fantasizing that Disneyland have a parents lounge complete with piano bar and canapes with an army of nannies who take your children around for you.    I might just pop that in the suggestion box.

Some more holiday loving:

Cheap stuff.. MAC makeup, Vitamin Water, the boys DC shoes and Lucky Brand t’s, Benetint ,  G-Star Raw jeans..love that I need to buy twice as much to feel the same amount of guilt that I do back home. 

Friends who have cameras..and use them for this:

Thankyou so much, Miss Krysta.  It’s so nice to see someone elses perspective and I love how it’s a complete surpise to see what was captured but more than anything, we just had such a nice afternoon.  Krysta blogged it better than I could here. I know people have asked about those insanely gorgeous swimmers, they’re from Kate Mack and the  bike picked up from a garage sale next door to where we stayed in Laguna Beach..We don’t make yard sales like that back home!  I wasn’t joking about the shipping container.

Proper Mexican food..it’s novel to me that you can actually get excellent takeout burritos.  And they’re still excellent when you get them home.  

Minature Pink Phones..that really work. This I found at Pottery Barn Kids and immediately made it mine.  My lazy self lifted this image off the net and it really doesn’t do it justice.  It’s teeny tiny, sooo cute and did I say it works? I think I said I was buying it for Ivy.  I think I lied.

Holiday confusion, still:

Tipping.  Arrrgh.  I seriously have no idea who to pay for what. I’m ready to just start handing it to anyone who looks at me.  I break out into a sweat every time I pull up to a hotel kerb/order take-out/ring reception to ask for a corkscrew, madly hoping I have a spare three/five/fifty - (tell me again what it is??) dollars at the ready.    I’m sure living here it’s different but holidaying?  The tipping is not fun and it’s not cheap.  I will say though the service is the Best in The World, without doubt.

Roundabouts.  I’m doing much better with the four way give way.  In fact, I like it.  Show me a roundabout though where it’s all travelling entirely in reverse?  Nooooo thankyou.

I think today is a lazy day, a nothing planned, browse the shops, drink hot chocolate kind of day.  Actually that sounds like most of our days here.  All those highlighted Things To Do I’d printed out are looking a little neglected but it’s so nice to do almost nothing.  I asked Luca what his favorite thing has been so far and he said “just hanging out with my family”.  Love his answer and couldn’t agree more.   Reminds me of how as a child, I don’t remember all the different activities we did on holiday, I just remember the time spent together.  Really being together. 

Yay for the holidays.

S x

Holiday loving:

Laguna Beach light at 7pm. Like nothing on Earth. For all the splendor the OC can offer, this has got to be the most amazing, and it’s free. Stunnning.

Anthropologie. I know, I mention this store more than I need to but for those who don’t have one locally, it’s such a treat to enter the wonder that is Anthro. The clothes are cute, for sure, but it’s all the the other bits that make my heart skip. The aprons, the doorknobs, the pretty paper..It is my Heaven on Earth.

Hospitality. Seriously. How nice are you people? I am astounded at the friendliness here. Not that we’re unfriendly back home but this is a whole new World of random conversations with strangers, offers to carry my groceries and neighborly dinner invitations. Just So Nice.

Krysta. Six days of shopping and beach and dinner and wine and photos and face to face conversation. The things that we’ve spent a year looking forward to. Meeting her Brady was the icing on the cake.

The Cheesecake Factory. Enough said.

Cheap magazines. My addiction is totally out of control..there are way too many great mags and they’re half the price. What’s a girl to do?

Starbucks. I know it well, I’ve passed it frequently back home without so much as a sidewards glance. All it took was a week hanging with Krysta and her SB obsession and I’m hooked. There’s no hope and there’s no turning back.

Rose Bowl Flea Markets. Thanks to Lori for her recommendation to make the trip to Pasedena last Sunday. Beyond belief, the rows and rows of vintage gorgeousness. Worth every minute spent with an SUV (see, I’m learning the talk - it’s a 4WD back home) full of whingeing children, the sunburn and the unscheduled detour into downtown LA trying to get home. Now I just have to hire a shipping container and we’re all good.

Churros. Good. Really good.

Holiday confusion:

Cookie Dough Ice-cream. You do what? Believe me, I’m yet to meet an ice cream I don’t like but this has me all confused. The dough is like, raw? I consumed a whole container trying to figure it out and I’m still none the wiser. Maybe I need another container? Thankyou, Miss Sugar-Pusher, Krysta.)

Giving Way. Maybe it’s just an OC thing but this concept where you all just pull up at the stop signs and let who-ever got there first be next to go? It’s lovely and all and it seems to work for everyone else but me, I’m like a rabbit in headlights. If you see a dark haired woman in a grey Chevy frozen at a Laguna intersection, go easy.

Retail overload. Well not quite, I think I’m on top of it but I’m in awe that people don’t just live at the shops. I suppose you have to come home to see what’s on offer in the catalogues. It’s more than one maxed-out credit card wielding woman can bear. Almost.

So there’s my round up of Week One. We have a gorgeous new home for another week and then we’re off to San Diego at this stage - we don’t like to plan too far ahead or we might look like those odd organized people. The kids are loving it, especially the beach and Taco Bell. (Luca calls it Tango Bell which sounds more exotic and appealing).

This is the only photo I have to share, proofed blind on an uncalibrated monitor so it could be nothing like I’m seeing at my end! She still looks cute to me anyhow!

Loves, S x

We survived.  We’re here and we’re in one piece.  The flight was not as horrific as I’d convinced thyself it would be.  There was no sleeping to be had, not by the small or big people but we still seemed to like one another when we landed so it wasn’t all bad.  

What has been a little rather large hiccup in our plans was our arrival at that beautiful cottage.  Every bit as stunning as expected, we were completely overwhelmed by the character, the decor and the umm stairs that were actually ladders on a slight angle.  Three sets of them.  And that second story that had practically no railing on it.   Oh, and that two foot high ledge that Ivy fell off three times in a couple of hours?  That bothered us a little bit too.  We arrived and left the same day and lost an awful lot of money in the process but from where we’ve been, it just doesn’t matter..We’ve learnt the worst way that the strangest things do happen and when something is clearly dangerous we just couldn’t relax - not for a second. 

So, I’m writing to you from a lovely little hotel right on Laguna Beach..the boys are down making sandcastles and Ivy is playing under the rain shower.  It’s been reeeeally hard to secure somewhere new to stay at short notice but we’re getting there.  In the mean time we’re absolutely loving this gorgeous part of the World and are amazed at how friendly and helpful the locals have been.   The light here is incredible and I’ve found it hard to leave the room without  my camera in tow. 

I can’t wait to share some photos, almost as much as I can’t wait to have somewhere to live!  There will be no complaining from me though, we’ve left behind an Australian Winter :)

I’ll be back with a prettier post asap.

S xx

ps Thankyou for all the model responses, I believe Fran has been or will be in touch very shortly!

We’re currently seeking models for an upcoming commercial clothing shoot, aged approx 3-4-5.   Planned for early August for use in web and print, here and overseas.  We need both girls and boys who are available in the Brisbane (Australia) area.

If you believe your child is a photogenic and willing subject and you’re interested, please send details and a recent photo to info@sheyerosemeyerphotography.com with the subject line “model”.   We have specific requirements to suit the theme of the shoot so either myself or Fran will get back to you with further information.

Thankyou!
Sheye x

Ooh, it’s soon. This time next week we’ll be on the lookout for Pinkberry whilst trying to stay on the wrong side of the road.

We have our Tamiflu. We’ve bought out the $2 store seeking in-flight entertainment.  We’re holding US dollars and Ivy can’t stop mentioning Sleeping Bewdy.   It seems we really are going.

I like to believe we’re calm and organized but the truth is, I’m feeling the beginnings of some inner pandemonium. At one point this past week the “to-do’s” became slightly shorter than the “have-dones” which was thrilling but short lived. I’m now running with four different lists and a whole lot of good intention.  Wish me well.

Some of what did get crossed off today: Printing of the suggestions made here, all seventeen pages of them, thankyou SO much! I feel like I’ve consulted with eighty personal tour guides :) I love how often In N Out was mentioned! I guess that’s a must huh?   I also loved the mention of an Alice in Wonderland store.  That, I will be finding.  We’d originally planned to stay around Orange County the whole time but after reading so many great ideas here, we’re going to travel around for the last couple of weeks and explore.

Here’s some of pics of the gorgeous cottage we’ve booked, purely for location alone and not for photo backdrop purposes, you understand.   When I see these, I do get just a little excited!

And in answer to the questions about blogging while I’m away, this sweet abode comes complete with a Mac so blog, I will :)  I do have a few more posts before the week is out though!

S x

My best friend and I have never lived in the same city.  Well no, that’s not true.  We have, but we weren’t best friends then.  We sat across from one another in art and tried to out-do one another with sarcasm and wit.  I didn’t like her head full of hair accessories nor her penchance for drama and she didn’t like my..um, I don’t know actually, what she didn’t like.  But we made a sport of irritating one another.

And then one unexpected day, my Grandmother died.  At that point, while my parents worked overseas, I lived with my “ma”.    While trying to find my lost self in that Whole New World called Grief, I found a friend in Jennifer.  She’d lost her Grandad, she understood.  We spent an afternoon in this park.   It was 1989.

We’ve been best friends ever since.  And most of that time has been spent far apart.  But we make do..and for every step of my adult life, Jennifer has been there.  For all the good times.. the holiday times, the squealing down the phone “I’m pregnant” times.   And for the very, very bad times.   She has not faltered.   “I’m not going anywhere“..she’s told me too many times to count.   The distance is irrelevant.

In 2002 we both found out we were expecting girls.  Three weeks apart.   We marveled and rejoiced.  We planned and dreamed and come nine months later, we birthed.  Aria and Ava.  Our girls.   They met but twice.  As tiny babies and as three year olds.   And they connected like sisters.  They shared a love of all things pink, princess and sparkly, and of the word “bumba”.    They held our hopes for a lifetime of friendship to mirror our own.  The distance was irrelevant.

One of our many plans for our girls included a garden tea party .  We dreamed up all the details, the pretty pink china had been bought, the location discussed over glasses of wine on holidays late at night.  I could see it all so clearly in my head.   More than a simple tea party though, it felt like a celebration of our own friendship.  The planning was half the fun.    And, along with so very many other things, we never got the chance.

The missing of Ava never goes but the details of the missing change every day.   The lost moments fade in and out..the turning of four, the start of school, the first ballet lesson.  Ava’s Tea Party, and the missing of it, have never faded.  I yearned for it the week she left, I yearn for it now.  What has changed is that I took my missing and handed it to Mandy.  And a little while later,  she gave me back this.

To have turned my sadness and my missing and my regret into such beauty, to have shown me what this day might have looked like.   I can hear the chatter, I can smell the forest.  I have sat and stared and breathed in this moment.  It leaves me without words.

It’s not just Ava’s though, this belongs to Aria and Jennifer too.  While I’m so honored to be able to share this illustration, the story behind it is also too precious for me not to share.    I see it and am reminded of what I already know..that there is not always tomorrow, that I am eternally grateful for best friends, that life is surprising, that days with our children are such a gift and that distance is irrelevant.

S xx

ps Mandy has very kindly donated the A4 print to me to make available for sale at a special price.  I’m thrilled to say that you may purchase Ava’s Tea Party here.

This week, loving:

The Mykonos dress from Anthropologie.

Not just a little bit, I mean really loving.   This is so everything I adore.   But $358?  Surely I can fly to Mykonos for that?  If you happen to wander past this in a bargain bin one day, I command you to purchase it.  And send it to me.

Letterpress Anything.

I spend too much time I don’t have letterpress browsing.  From imagining hanging it on my walls/having stationary printed/getting remarried just to do wedding invitations, I am in love.

If we’re going to be talking handmade, I can’t leave out this jackilope feltidermy creature.  That’s right.    Adorable, no?   I’m a little too fixated on all things felt and blanket stitch.  Oh to be crafty.

And something else that’s made my heart sing of late - this gorgeous Alice in Wonderland bracelet I had custom made in childs size for Aria by Just Be Designs.  I also had a Wizard of Oz one made for Ivy :)  Thankyou so much Bianca - the girls (and their Mummies) love what you created for them!

I can’t leave out this person, who, with bed hair and sleepy eyes at first light today, made me happy.

I do have one more thing to add to my list but need to wait one more day before I can share :)  I’m so excited though..I shall return tomorrow!

S x

Initially, in those early months of 2007, Ava’s Daddy & I talked about the mixed feelings that went with Ivy not knowing Ava.    She was just twelve months old when Ava left.   They had not gotten the chance to learn about one another, to play dolls, to fight, to share secrets.  It broke our heart to know those things could never be but at the same time,  we were relieved that she could grow up without the missing that we, and her brothers, would have to endure.

At that time, I held some vague notion that one day, when Ivy was possibly nine, or twelve, she would come to me and say “So, Mum.  This Ava person?  Tell me about her.”  And I would sit down and tell her about a sister she had..for a short while.  Ava.   I’d  show her the special things.   Perhaps open those creaky  armoire doors and pull out some faded dresses.   And how, against all I believed possible, we survived losing her.  Maybe she’d sit quietly and absorb and feel a pang of missing she may not have had before.   I don’t really know but the hazy reel played something like that.

And then, a few short months after Ava left,  I began finding out that Ivy had an awareness of her sister well beyond what I realized.  At just 15 months of age, sitting quietly on my lap in the lounge one night, she suddenly sat straight up and looked over my shoulder.  She started to point and asked me to get up, in toddler babble.  I was not very keen and she was not giving up.  So, we went, her pointing the whole way until we reached the cup cupboard.  From it swung a Xmas ornament with Ava’s photo attached and she demanded that I remove it and give it to her.  I was baffled, so I did.  She promptly kissed it and handed it back.  That was it.  A brief moment in time but for me it shifted how I perceived their relationship.  The reel rewound,  just a little.  And it scared me.

Since that night, there have been so many moments in time.. Together they’ve created a picture of a little girl who very much knows, and misses,  her big sister.   Who pleads to wear her dresses, who asks to visit her in Heaven, who tucks treasures away so that she can “give them to Ava when she comes home”.   I was not ready for this awareness.   It’s not that we constantly mention Ava, we don’t.  We’ve had to find a balance for our children where we include their sister but we allow them to live a life that does not include grief every day.  We would never want that for them.

It still scares me.  I don’t want Ivy to miss Ava.  I don’t want a day where she cries, I mean really cries, for the yearning of her sister.  I don’t want to have to explain where she went, and why.   I don’t even know why.   I feel so guilty that she will grow up with even a little bit of the wishing and wondering that we carry.  I see her playing alone and it makes my heart hurt.    To look at her, to see how very, very much she resembles Ava, to imagine two of them - so similar - side by side.  My heart hurts all over again.  To think of my own life, growing up with a constant playmate, a confidant, almost a part of my self, called sister..

There is a place in my grief that belongs to Ivy alone, and some days it’s just so much bigger than the rest.

The Explore Workshop is in full swing, a great bunch of girls who I thought were going to be amazing - and they are.  Time has flown, friendships have formed, photographers born!  I do love my job.

The bathroom renovation is also well underway, with a little bit of destruction, a lot of noise and the beginnings of some lovely taking place back there.   Ivy is a most welcoming host to the tradesmen, greeting the tiler with an audible sigh and  “Oh, you again?” this morning.

In The Booth joins the list of good things that are happening of late..Our friends the Austins launched their very swish photo-booth here in Brisbane and have been just a little busy ever since.

I’m not sure this fits into good things, maybe not-very-well-thought-out-but-so-very-funny things?,  but here I am  attacking decorating Kate in the booth the night before launch.  She did say I could do whatever I wanted but I don’t think she was prepared for me to whip a marker out of my pocket as the camera counted down.  I don’t think I was prepared to read the word permanent on the side of it a minute after either.   Oops.

S x

Sent to my by sweet Linda and totally hilarious.. This made my day!

I can’t wait to show this to the boys who will no doubt double over with shrieks of “Yeeaaaahh, right” but in the mean time, I can dream can’t I?!

Thanks again Linda :)  I hope you all had a beautiful day!

S x

I know, I know.  It’s starting to appear that I’m winding down our relationship but really, I’m not.  Everything’s fine.  I’ve just been well,  busy,  is all.

In four weeks, we leave for the US of A.  That in itself is not something new. We’ve been twice already this past year as part of my husbands mission to install himself there permanently.  (He keeps his watch on US time year round.  I wish I was kidding.)

What is new and different is that this time,  it’s going to be a proper holiday.  No work, no schedule, just relaxation and fun.  And the other never-before-attempted thing?  We’re taking the small people.  Uh huh.   Thirteen hours long haul, three children.  We’re outnumbered and I’m nervous.  Truth be told,  I brace myself  just taking all of them to the grocery store together.  This is big.

They, of course, are becoming more excited by the hour and I’m starting to feel like a human Google with the constant requests for sneak peeks of Disney/Legoland/The Hollywood Sign.

This is where you come in.  Well, the American component of you, that is.   We have around five weeks or so to really explore California.   While I’m all up for the usual tourist haunts, and need to know which ones are worth the time, effort and dollars, I also want to know about that great little restuarant/quirky gift store/fantastic vintage shoppe that can’t be missed.  The ones that you’d never find without the help of a local.  Shows you might have seen, great art exhibitions, anything at all really.. We’re staying in Orange County for most of our trip but very willing to explore a little further afield.. If you have any suggestions for things to make our trip extra wonderful, I’d be ever so grateful!

Here’s a rather blurry, overexposed me Magnetic Island last weekend.  Mid wedding shoot, taken by someone who should probably not have been in charge of my camera.

S xx

That’s what I’ve been doing this week..walking well and truly after midnight.   It’s the only way to Get Stuff Done.  I’m considering starting a movement…the Secret Sleepless Society.  I know my web design guru Brian will be first in line..along with Krysta and Kate who also think sleep is inconvenient.  And my Mum, she’d be a founding member.   The problem with sleep deprived people, they never shut up about needing sleep.   I annoy myself, I do.

Okay, so the week that was.. My gorgeous friends Lea & Chris had a flying visit from Sydney and I got to meet their beautiful, fresh baked boy,  Isaac.

The same day Kate came round and together we inspected my new photoprop chair..I endured much complaining from my husband to acquire this thrift shop beauty..

On Sunday we visited Fran & Family (who Candy Workshop people know well by now!) and played around with  lighting..Well actually, we worked.   Fran’s overgrown kid, DJ, played around.  Here’s him.

Fran said she’d kill me if I showed these so if I show them little, she might just kill me a little bit.

At the same time, Ivy and Poppy Cate had a tea party.    Here’s the dainty one:

And the undainty  one.

And to finish off a busy week, Macey and I made red velvet cupcakes late into the night.

Apologies to those people (like most of everyone I know) who think I’ve been abducted this past fortnight.  I really am well, alive and umm, sleep deprived :)

S x

Actually, a Manic Weekend that’s overflowed into a Manic Monday..

Explore starts today and we’ve been crazy busy making everything just so..  I loved Explore last year - so many beautiful girls all gathered together so I’m really excited to get Round Two underway!  For participants waiting for their login links…any second now!  (A bit like if you were coming around to lunch..you’re waiting on the porch while I frantically arrange cushions and straighten my dress.)

I thought I’d best take a mindbreak and share these taken of Ivy this week. It’s occurred to me that I seem to photograph nothing but Ivy lately but I’m so unbelievably busy with everything to do with photography, I don’t have any time to actually take photos.  I rarely get to pick up my camera for more than ten minutes lately and seeing as Ivy is my perma-attachment, she’s the obvious choice of model.

So, as I wandered up the driveway to check the mail early the other morning, on my way back I was so captivated by the gorgeous light.  Ten minutes later and I’ve got the poor child changed into a vintage frock, perched on a chair and I’m all happiness and well, light.  I had big plans but she would not stand on the morning dew without complaining and as we headed back to the house, this was our exchange:

Ivy (frowning):   Lets go inside.  I’ve had enough.

Me:    Really?

Ivy:    Yes, you got SO many today.

Me:    I know honey, but they’re very pretty.

Ivy:    Yes, I know I am but I’m still cranky.

I can live with it :)

S x

It just wouldn’t be Easter here if it didn’t include torrential rain.  The kids loved it, making huge mud puddles and collecting worms.  Me, I just feared  they’d be washed downhill or lost under a falling tree.  (You can see one in the background that caved under the weight of the rain).

And of course it’s now all sun shiney with birds a twitter while I’ll be indoors for the day, tackling a week that seems a little insurmountable.  And, I’m doing it sugar-free, mind you.  Where for art thou, beloved Buttersnap?

S x

So much to love. The joy of watching kids wake on Easter morning..the excitement on their faces..the Lindt with my name on it.

So much to clean up.  From bedroom to bathroom, we have chocolate where no chocolate should ever go.

So much to miss.   Not enough eggs.  Not enough squeals.  For all the happiness and mess..still not enough.

Another day where the despair, the joy, the appreciation, the wishing, the love, the disbelief, the sorrow and the happiness all blend and make for something that feels okay.  And Lord knows,  I’m unbelievably grateful for okay.

Easter love to you and yours.

S xx

ps My two beautiful girls, Ivy discovering her chocolate this morning.  Ava, July 2006.

Why choose between making water balloons or jumping on the trampoline when you can do both?  My boys will turn anything into an extreme sport.

Happy Easter :)
S x

I didn’t expect to get so much pleasure out of reading what makes up everyone’s “Beauty Full” on a given day.  Thank you :)

So, it seems you all were so enthusiastic about commenting that my wonderful (or not) webhost got cranky and started closing the door on and off last week.  We’ve now got some more space allotted so we have room for everyone, apologies for those few crazy days back there.  While it was just a little frustrating for me, it’s good news for you as I’ve decided to do two draws on the actions giveaway…just to make sure everyone got counted!

One comes from my email notifications which were a more accurate record of the comments left (470 in total after double IP’s taken out) and the other from the comments here..Sooo, here we go!

Draw 1 - Email notifications…Random number 351 - ANGIE BAXTER!

Draw 2 - (blog comments, out of 445) - No 253 - CATHERINE ANN “Springtime”.

Angie and Catherine Ann, email me for your set!

Thanks again to everyone for entering :)

Sx

ps…Well, it seems Angie was really Mindy who wanted to be Mindy but accidentally became Angie for the purpose of her comment and therefore Angie commented twice, unbeknowns to her..Yes, yes, I’m confused too but it really just means we’ll give the Angie/Mindy duo a set each and make it a three way split :)  It’s just that kind of week!  Congrats girls!  S xx

More than ten years ago while I was pregnant with Luca, my obstetrician used to say “boring is good”.  As chirpy first time parents, we’d go in, excitedly waiting to hear something amazing.  But frustratingly,  he’d tell us nothing very amazing at all.  That’s what we’d get.. “boring is good”.

And then, not very long after, I found myself in the depths of PND.  Post natal depression, for those lucky enough to have no idea what I’m talking about.

Here was this gorgeous baby, the one I had been so blessed in being given without so much as a second request.  The one I’d prepared the all white nursery and bought European rompers and bonnets with ears for.   The same one I’d meticulously planned to birth naturally with aromatherapy oil, well rehearsed affirmations and candle-light.  The very one who turned breech and arrived, jaundiced,  via c section in a hospital theater with my husband and nine other people in blue gowns.

Whether it was the Virgo, the first time mother or the perfectionist in me I don’t know but whatever it was, I couldn’t quite come to terms with any of it really.  Not the clinical birth, not the awkward breastfeeding, not the relentless effort that being in charge of a newborn requires.  Nor the fact that a week after his arrival, Crayton had to leave for overseas when his Mum suddenly collapsed with a brain tumor.   I felt totally out of my depth and would sit alone for hours not knowing what to even say to the poor child.   The minute he’d cry, I would too.   The reality just wasn’t matching the picture one little bit.   I hated to admit it but eventually I did.  I had PND.

It was a rough start but I sought good help.  Crayton came home, Luca slept through.  I started to enjoy motherhood.  And to prove the point, I did it three more times over.   I since know a lot more about PND.  I’ve been lucky that it wasn’t a factor with the other three and been blessed to feel the elation that new motherhood can offer too.

As I tucked Luca in tonight, I pondered our early days together.  While I would have liked an easier time back then,  I do appreciate the lessons that came with the journey.   I’ve got a little older, possibly a bit wiser, and discovered along the way that sometimes life just doesn’t go according to the Grand Scheme.  I’ve found out more than once that the best laid plans, well they go rather astray every now and again.

And that my ob was right.  Boring is good.

S x

(I had to share Luca’s portrait - a mix between the Mona Lisa and one of the Gibb brothers, don’t you think?  Oh, and Eye Candy Actions draw will be on Wednesday!)

I love seeing what people do with the Eye Candy actions..gives me a little thrill every time!  I’ve seen so many lovely images over the last month, here’s a few that make my heart flutter!  (Credits for individual photographers underneath).

Today’s a good day to give a set away, just cause :)  Please leave a comment, telling me in one word what makes up your “beauty full” today.  I’ll draw it with one of those fancy number generator things early next week :)

ps..Fran and I have had non stop fun with Ye Olde Spam Filter, sending out Eye Candy Workshop place offers this week.  If you’re waiting on an offer, please do check your Spam folder!
S xx

1. 3-20-09-1441, 2. eye candy, 3. purplehaze, 4. Amalie using Sheye’s awesome actions :), 5. Lucy 75/365, 6. IMG_B6543, 7. Looking for baby fish, 8. Stacy., 9. Anti-gravity.

Ava would often come into the bathroom when I was getting ready. She always asked for “lips”. Sometimes I said yes, bending down and giving her a quick wave of lip gloss and sometimes I didn’t.
Too busy, too tired, too expectant that there would be tomorrow.
That’s life, I know, but of course I wish I could do it over.

The wishing is also a gift though, not just a regret. Ivy can have the lips. She can stand on the basin. She can play in my brushes. She can even use the thirty four dollar lip-gloss for nail-polish.   It’s all more than fine by me.    I’ll just stand back and be glad.

I love these moments.  It make me feel that, at least some of the time, my resolution to approach life and parenting differently after losing Ava  is still in place.  Of course I want my lessons to be everyone’s lessons but let it be said..For all the different ways I go about my day since Ava left, I still get tired and impatient and shout. I don’t want to be perceived as a perfect parent because I’m not. I still fall down, I still get grumpy and I still think parenting is one of the toughest gigs on Earth.

But what I do have, just underneath all of that, is an appreciation for their being that completely fills me..it never wanes. I can be so fed up with the fighting and the pesting and the complaining but still be so very grateful they’re here to do just that.

I have a card, it says I love you with a thousand hearts. And that’s what I do, every single day, I love them with one thousand hearts.

S x

I’m turning into Grandad.
This is what makes up the greater part of my meals lately.
And positively delights me in the process.
Tea and bikkies, anyone?

Ironically, my last post before Ava left was titled “Happy Days”.

It was Australia Day.  We took the boys and Ava to the beach, to Shearwater Crescent..a tiny little strip of coast off a quiet suburban street not far from home.  It was our favorite haunt.   They were having so much fun, making snow angels in the sand, having running races, throwing water over each other - much to Ava’s annoyance.

We sat watching them, talking about the happy little trio they made.  I also remember how many times we told them not to go too far into the water - we were worried about sharks. And how Ava didn’t dress to swim and ended up soaking wet..She traveled home in a shirt and nothing else and threw a tantrum when I wouldn’t take her half naked into the store on the way.  I even remember putting her dinner on a plate when we got in.  Silly little things.

I took a lot of photos that day but in the blur that followed so soon after, I could not find where I had put most of them.  I’ve had three computers since.    I’ve shuffled photos all around and in the back of my mind, been increasingly  worried that I’d lost those priceless images.

Something about me though.. When I’m worried, I avoid.   I pretend and delude and hold some hazy belief it will all be okay in the end.   That approach has meant it’s taken me two years to get brave enough to really look for the rest of those pictures.   And today I found them.   And I caught my breath and I couldn’t look as properly as I wanted to and then, I sobbed.  Not with relief because I’d told myself they weren’t lost.  It was with the intensity of missing.

It wasn’t just missing Ava though..it was the missing of so much more.   Looking at those photos, I didn’t feel a knowing.  Not like then.   I couldn’t hear her voice or remember what it was like to have her here.  To just be together.  To think for four.  To watch the clock on kindy days,  to expect her to walk into the room any moment, to know what she needs for dinner.   It’s not clear any more.  I can’t believe she’s not here yet I can’t believe she was here.

I feared this very thing.  Two years ago I was so scared of anything fading, knowing I couldn’t stop it.  It’s the price you pay - the pain recedes, ever so slowly,  but so do the memories - much, much too soon.   Until now, I’ve desperately yearned to see her again.  To hold her.   Today, I would gladly step back to the start, amidst the full force of grief, just to feel the missing without the haze of seven hundred days.

Today, I miss the missing.

Just a little update for those wanting to start the Explore workshop in April.   Registrations will open this week but I am only able to offer places to those on the waitlist - I won’t be providing a public registration link.   The waitlist holds many more names than places so I will be sending emails in order of when the expression of interest was submitted.  If I don’t hear back within three days, the place will be offered to the next person on the list..and so on.

The 2008 workshops were hugely successful and all of the information shared and feedback has helped shape the 2009 workshops into something really special.  They’re bigger in content with a slightly different structure and extra resources but will be smaller in numbers so unfortunately this means not everyone will have a place right away.

I am working hard to find ways to run extra workshops this year so hopefully everyone will have a spot at some stage.. I love doing the workshops and have been fortunate enough to find a most willing and glamorous assistant, the lovely Fran, to keep things running smoothly so my focus is definitely on these for 2009.

I’m away in the States mid year so Evolve is due to run in August and presently that waitlist is looking pretty full..If you’re interested in securing a place, please make sure you email info@eyecandyworkshops.com or fill out the contact form on the Eye Candy page here and either Fran or myself will get back to you.

S xx

I’m aghast.  Apparently I have a child who turned ten this week.  If there’s one thing that makes you feel older than your own birthdays ticking over, it’s your childrens.  I distinctly remember a time in my life where I believed people with ten year olds were all grown up. They were responsible, fully fledged adults, cooking dinner, doing school runs, raising real children.  So, how did I get here?   I’m thoroughly perplexed, as well as aghast.

And while we’re making this post all about me, lets focus on the fact that it is,  after all, a celebration of birth and it’s quite clear who did the birthing around here.  I still believe the mother should get all of the adoration, most of the cake and a little Tiffany on the side.   Raise your hands.

Okay, so none of that is happening any time soon so back to the ten year old child who claims he’s mine..Yes, he’s too old but he’s also too clever and too funny and too compassionate as well. Along with thoughtful and helpful and really very brave.  He’s not going to be someone amazing, he already is.

Happy Birthday, my darling Mister Luca.

Some pics from this week…

A little brotherly love:

And a couple from his Laserzone party.  (See, I can endure anything as long as I have a camera in my hand).

Oh, and Mason being Mason.

S x

We found a bike at the antique market.  Nanny, Ivy and I.  Just like mine as a child.  The shopkeeper thought he was selling me an old bike but I was also buying forty four dollars worth of long forgotten memories.   Ivy, full of glee, rode it out the store and down the street and has barely gotten off it since.   It squeaks and topples frequently, has a distinctive wobble and she absolutely loves this thing she calls “cycle-bikle”.

A postscript to yesterday.

The swimmers are from Gap and I know you can’t see them very well here but she was pretending to be coy.

They are sublime.

And about those floors.  You can’t imagine the number of heated debates conversations we’ve had over carpet vs floorboards.  In the end carpet won out simply because the sound of my children galloping over bare timber makes me crazy,  being the self confessed noise phobe that I am.  But of course, now I’m second guessing because I’m also an indecisive noise-phobe.

S x

Today, just one of those days.  A blah day.  A tired day.  A rather be shopping kind of day.

Come lunchtime, still dressed in pj’s and a pout,  the postman brought around a whole lotta Krysta love in a box.  You may remember, I live for these parcels.  There’s no telling what might have caught the girls eye and knowing she has the most fantastic taste in everything, I get giddy with excitement waiting to see inside. An annoying habit of mine though,  I like to savor.    I made myself wait a few hours, wash my hair, clear the house of the noisy people and sit down with the Box of Happy and my camera.

Now, see why I get excited?

As always, there was so much to love..I didn’t get time to photograph everything, the noisy people came back rather quickly,  but here’s a few bits of gorgeous..

A journal with a Monique Duval quote that says “Then swing your window open, the one with the fresh air and good eastern light and watch for wings, edges, new beginnings..”

Catalogues.  Anthro & umm.  That other one.  That has everything I need to own.   That I can’t think of because I’m still tired.  Less blah but more tired.  Tap, tap, tap.   Urban Outfitters.

Oh, brace one’s self.  SPRINKLES cupcake mix.  When I met Krysta last year in California, she forced these morsels of wickedness upon me.  Now you know my loyalties lie with Carousels but, if I’m on the other side of the World and have to make do..Sprinkles come pretty close.  I know, I did a comparison check six times over.

The MOST gorgeous Janie and Jack dress for Ivish.  I would have shown the front except she was too busy happy dancing to stand still..Check the link if you want to see it properly!  (And excuse the floor that’s waiting for carpet.)

Yes, I do love my goodies very much but more than that..I’m so incredibly grateful for this amazing person who lives on the other side of the World and right in my heart, all at once.  Who, in her own missing of her beautiful Dad, still thinks of me.  Thankyou sweet girl.  It isn’t enough but all I have.

S x

“What shall I do today?”

She thought as she brushed her hair a thousand times.

“I will put on the pink dress with the tiny white dots.

I will dust the furniture and teach the cat to fetch…”

And just then, a strange wind pried open her bedroom window

and she suddenly had an uncontrollable urge to spin and howl,

to jump on her freshly made bed with her eyes shut tight.

In other words, she was on the brink of a new discovery…

- Monique Duval

I’m at the mercy of the three year old and she hasn’t been gentle with me lately.  She speaks a foreign language, it seems.   Just because she says quite clearly and repeatedly that she wants strawberries/a red pen/The Little Mermaid/a shower, it doesn’t mean she actually does.  It could actually mean that if I do in fact obey any given command, we may find ourselves in the midst of a rather frightening toddler meltdown, with face to the floor and much wailing and gnashing.    This may or may not happen once every twenty three minutes, just to keep things interesting.  Oh, and should we be in public view,  she likes to increase the volume of the meltdown so others can enjoy the show.

I remember these very same days with Ava.  While she was a little less vocal than Ivy, she was still working hard at testing her limits and my sanity at times.  I complained back then.  I declared I hated three.  I said I was counting the seconds until she was five.   Oh, to be able to experience Ava’s three again..All the tantrums and hysteria, the never-ending questions, the pesting, the irrational demands.   On the brink of a new discovery.

Saying this, today happened to be a particularly challenging day.  One that required lots and lots of extra gratitude to prevent me faking my own disappearance.  Come bedtime,  it took every little last bit of whatever it is we mothers survive on to tuck in not only Ivy but the crocheted cat, the pink giraffe and the bear in a tutu. Three times over.  I think she sensed my fading enthusiasm and as I leaned over to  pat them all one last good night, she reached up, put her arms around my neck and whispered “I love you, my darling“.  And just like that, all is forgiven.  They’re very clever, the toddlers of today.

I like the Monique Duval quote.  It reminds me that while it’s fine to want everything in it’s place, there’s also much to celebrate about the messy, the noisy and the unexpected.  Amidst the frequent yearning for the perfectly pleasant Ivy, I’m pretty grateful for the spinning and howling Ivy too.

Sheye x

I want to know your favorite lens?

For the last few months I’ve mainly been shooting with the Canon 24-70mm 2.8.  It really is such a great all round lens.  Although I love the sharpness of primes, I’m not keen on changing lenses all the time and I like that the 24-70 still has the ability to give that slight wide angle distortion which I love while being sharp enough.

How do you get your pictures to have that 3D effect and lovely bubbly fisheye feel?

I think the 3D feel comes from the sharpness which is more evident at certain settings than others.  The fisheye effect is when I shoot at 24mm.

I also want to know what your favorite actions are?

I honestly don’t use anything other than my own.  When I was using other actions, I found I was pulling apart and adjusting them so much that they really resembled nothing like the original action at all and the concept of saving time with them was completely lost.   I decided to just start making my own from scratch.  When I made the Eye Candy set, I thought about not just the pretty side of things but also all the practical things I like in an action and incorporated them..These really are what I use every single day and although I know there are other good actions out there, my own work perfectly for me :)

I also wanted to know if you are a self taught PHOTOSHOP guru or did you take classes?

Completely self taught.  I had Photoshop literally years before I owned a DSLR.  I love learning new things & don’t imagine I’ll ever get to a day where I know everything about PS..it’s so intricate!

How are your house renovations coming along? Can we see some before photos?

Oh they’re about as far along as they were back at the bath post!  And as for photos? Not until I can show you that it’s new and improved!!  I couldn’t stand it! We really are about to get started though.  Glenn?   Glenn?  (Me calling my wonderful uncle-come-builder).

When I go to comment it has the last commentors name and details in the field…

Not a question, I know, but I thought I’d explain this..it’s to do with the cache plug in I have installed to have the site load faster..I’m so sorry!

Where o where does one get the Wizard of Oz cards??

Jayne?   Do tell :)

I would like to know how Grandad is doing?

He’s good!  He lives not far from us and visits every single day, numerous times in fact.  He’s actually outside tearing around on the ride-on mower right now!

Do you and your family have any pets?

No..We did have Chester and Tonker, the guinea pigs.  They were supposed to be a substitute for dogs but before long the boys realized they’d been somewhat tricked and that the small fluffy things were not going to fetch a stick no matter what.  The novelty wore off very quickly.  Luckily the woman we got them from insisted they go back to her in case of emergency so, back they went.

What is your favorite TV show?

I’m not that into TV but if I do watch something it’s usually those really intellectual shows like Americas Next Top Model or Project Runway.  I’m also sucker for anything to do with pregnancy or birth, seeing as I’m really a midwife in another life.  I like catching Oprah because it reminds me of days going out to work and just wishing I could stay home and watch daytime tv.  It still feels like a treat to have her on!

What is your favorite perfume/scent to wear?

I don’t own perfume - it gives me an instant headache.  I adore body cream though and have said before, Lollia Wish is my favorite scent in the World.  For waking up I love the Aveda mint shampoo scent.  I also love Chloe as it reminds me of my Mum.

What are some of your hobbies that you have not mentioned before in your blog?

There’s not much I haven’t shared in my blog!  Some of my favorite things to do that may or  may not be called hobbies:

Visiting beautiful tea houses.  I shared a lovely day with my sister at Batavia here in Brisbane recently.  If you’re local, you must go.

2nd Hand/Flea Market/Antique Store Shopping.  I love a good bargain, I love quirky and I love the unexpected.  They’re just the best places for finding photography props and kids decor.

Visiting art galleries.  I don’t get to do this often enough. I adore art.  Probably why I really like Laguna Beach in California,  with a gallery on every corner. I have links to my favorite artists on my Bio page and I need to add Elle Moss who although is called a photographer, is just as much an artist.  I love what she does.

I can’t seem to get the magical lighting you get with your photos.

Thankyou!  This might sound like a non-answer but I really think it’s just a matter of practice.  I don’t remember a clear moment where I went from being confused about capturing light with the right settings and not.  (Though I do remember feeling frustrated with the former).  This is probably one of the most discussed topics in my workshops and it’s actually one of the practice tasks: capturing sun-flare.

Shooting with back light or sun-flare comes down to finding a happy medium between exposing for the subject and the sky/light behind.  Too far either way and you lose the other.  It’s a little too in-depth to really go into here but ultimately it comes down to practicing with your settings.  It also helps to shoot at that time of day when the light is really low and pretty, around 2 hours before sunset.

My 50 mm 1.4 doesn’t lock the focus like it does on other lenses?

I have owned 2 copies of this lens and one had the problem you’re referring to, the other didn’t.  I know exactly what you mean.  It’s a beautiful lens but it can be hit and miss with focusing. Consider having it calibrated at Canon as often it will entirely fix it.  It’s a very sensitive lens that damages easily when dropped, or even knocked, so make sure it’s well stored.

Is Photoshop worth the money?

I’m biased as I’ve only ever used PS.  If you were to ask the Lightroom converts they’d probably say otherwise but for me I can’t imagine life without it.  If you have a student in the house, they can purchase it for a lot less than normal retail.  You won’t regret it!

Do you have any advice when it comes to metering?

Getting correct exposures is something that you will just find you do more and more of in time.  It’s so frustrating to not know where to start with settings when you see beautiful light (or not!) but the more you practice, the easier it gets.  It’s something I just don’t think about anymore.  I don’t use a gray card, I meter off whatever I can but usually only for artificial light situations. For clean natural light I generally use auto.  I’m a lazy shooter!  Saying this though, when you don’t have good light, a custom WB is essential.

I can’t seem to work out how to crop or trim down my photos..

Do you mean in Photoshop, not in camera?  (I would never recommend you crop in camera anyway).  In PS it’s just a case of choosing the crop tool in your tools window and dragging it over the image.  I’m unsure why it would not be working for you?  Sorry I’m not of more help there.

Thanks for asking!

Sx

Wow, what a crazy but oh so exciting week!

I’m astounded at the response to the Eye Candy Actions lauch - thankyou so much for all the lovely feedback..It means so much!  Don’t forget if you’re using them, we have a group at Flickr to share your creations!

I’ve also been inundated with workshop waitlist requests this week and have managed to send out 55 responses this morning but if I haven’t gotten to you, please just give me a few more days.  In brief, I’m trying to find ways to fit in a few more course this year so there will be a spot for everyone at some stage, I hope.

I’m opening up Q&A again, I said I’d do it every month and have failed miserably!  So, if you have a burning question about anything at all, ask away in comments :)

We just can’t have a bare post so here’s Miss Delish, deep in thought with her beloved Wizard of Oz cards, a beautiful gift from a friend afar :)

Happy Days

Sheye x

There are little secrets I know about people I’ve never met, or even spoken to.  Not just any people, the ones that have lost children.  For instance, I know they, like me, remember so many tiny little details about the day their children left.  Silly little things that are of no real significance yet become oh-so significant, for so long.

I could share hundreds of tiny little things relating to Februrary the 3rd, 2007.  For everyone else, the people who didn’t lose children that day, I’m certain there would be very little recollection of the date. Slipping by just like most dates, thankfully,  should.

Today, I’m recollecting sun-screen.  I’ve had to do this many, many days in the past 2 years - apply sun-screen to squirming, complaining children, explaining why it needs to be..the whole time remembering that morning.

Sun shining.  (Always, always, my thoughts start with sun shining.  And,  should the sun not have shined that day,  it would likely have been different.  It would have slipped by, that normal, sunny day)..  Boys wanting to swim.  Applying sunblock with a trigger pack, them laughing while I made a game of squirting them with it,  not realizing the mess it was making on the floor until after they’d run off.  Moments later.   All so different.  This memory plays like a movie reel in my head on so many mornings, making the application of sunscreen harder than it should be in everyday life.

Then today, for reasons that again elude, it came to me.  As Ivy wriggled away from my sticky hands, I realized that those moments, those last moments of simple laughter with my kids two long years ago were such a gift.  So precious.    The ending of our untouched life before the arrival of our altered one.  Happy, innocent, trusting, expectant.  Why the movie reel has a different soundtrack today, I do not know.   It just feels so freeing, to have a different perspective today, to feel grateful for something that previously held nothing but sadness.

It’s reminded me to see the everyday things as anything but..to cherish the ordinary, to grasp the moments that should otherwise slip by and be so very, very glad of them.

Sun shining.

S x

Oh, I’m SO excited!!!

Eye Candy Actions are go!

I’ve put so much of myself into these actions - all the ingredients I reach for when doing my own processing..the candy tones, the vintage tints, the golden hues..along with some practical things too.  They’re designed to run quickly, tweak easily and give lots of flexibility to allow your own creativity to shine through.

I could have made this action pack enormous, I really enjoy making them,  but for now it’s 50 of my most favorite, all rolled into “The BeautyFull Set“.

Thank you enormously to my beautiful friends, Jen, Fran, Krysta and Kate for their support along the way…to all those who’ve encouraged the creation of these actions and thank you to my darling Ava who inspires beauty in everything I do.

Love and little butterflies.

Sheye xx

It seems the sweet morning sounds of “Mummy, it’s Sunny” have gone by the wayside and now I just get “Sheye”.  Which becomes “Sheeyyyyye” quite quickly.  She could get out of bed and simply come to me but no - she’ll just bellow until I dutifully appear.   Except in the middle of last night when she realized I was not appearing as expected after the tenth time and decided to find her way to me…

I:  “Sheye.  Can you get me some crackers?“  (pause and then, in note to self fashion:)   “I think I will call you Sheye forever.”

M:  “Why?”

I:  (Sighing.)  “Oh, just because I so love you much“.

M:  “Yes, I so love you much too Ivy.  Now, get to sleep.”

I:  “But I can’t.  I was talking to Spongebob and he was very funny“.

It’s perplexing when they manage to come up with something that’s hard to argue with.  I’m sure if Spongebob visited me I’d also find sleeping difficult.  In the end her Dad tried his last resort method of bribing with shopping which worked a charm.  I get that too.

Other randoms for today:

I’m so excited to be putting the last touches on my actions website!   Eye Candy Actions, in fact fifty of them,  are very close to launching!

Workshops for 09 are not far behind so thanks to everyone who’s expressed interest - registrations will open quite soon.  If you’re on the waitlist, you’ll receive email to advise and of course I’ll post details here.

I have to mention, sadly, that an overseas parcel was rejected by customs this week - the only clue was the word “pinecone”.  No sender, no origin, no nothing.  I’m so sorry to whoever has posted this out - it seems that cranky customs are not sharing the love :(

If I owe anyone Flickrmail, I’m sorry for the neglect - I need to play catchup.  I am however, pretty good at wasting time at Facebook.  Feel free to add me.

As always, thank-you for giving me somewhere to share the difficult days and for the sweet notes left here and via email, they mean so much.

S x

You might remember me sharing Crayton’s belief that the harder days are harder simply because Ava is near.  That, as she flies closer,  everything increases - the missing, the wishing, the emptiness.  The memories are clearer and the yearning is greater.   I’m not sure either way about his theory but I do struggle to explain why some days I float, and some days I don’t.   Today,  for no definable reason, the yearning and the missing cloud the normalcy of a regular Saturday that, in dot point, would have looked something like this:

• Wake early
• Kids breakfast
• Tidy bedrooms
• Take Luca to party
• Collect Luca from party
• McDonalds drive thru
• Dinner
• Bed

But, from the inside, filtered through hazey grief, it looked like this:

I’ve not even opened my eyes but I can feel the clouds and I’m already missing and when I get my robe I see her photo looking down at me, the one of her playing dolls at kindy and it reminds me how she will never know motherhood

and

I disbelieve, still, while I go downstairs and start the breakfast and wonder how the making of three serves of toast can leave me feeling so empty

and

a little while later as I walk down the hall I catch a glimpse of her dresses and for the first time, just for a fleeting moment, I wish they weren’t there and I don’t even know why

and

it stays on my mind while I take Luca to choose Lego for the party and after he’s gone from the car and I’m left alone with my thoughts I still can’t think of anything except the hollow and the sorrow

and

then when I go to pick Luca up I take Ivy in fancy dress and she makes a lovely fairy but I can only think about the lovely princess who isn’t on my other hip

and

who, a little while later, isn’t ordering her own Mcfries and apple juice and all I want to do is tell the cashier that today,

just like yesterday and tomorrow,

I am missing Ava.

So I know it was supposed to be a Christmas inspired exercise right? An ornament for our Xmas tree in honor of Ava?  I seem to recall something like that…but, truth be told, our Xmas tree quickly became our “Ava tree” and it still stands proudly in the lounge room with no signs of going anywhere.

I’ll also admit, I was not remotely prepared for the response we got when asking for help with this project.  I was, and still am, overwhelmed by the hundreds of items that arrived.   My fear is by sharing some of those beautiful objects and not all, there could be someone out there feeling left out or unappreciated.  Please accept my genuine apology if I haven’t included an image of your ornament or gift here - there really were so, so many that it would take me forever to share them all.   I want to do these posts to hopefully show just what this means to us -  I will always be truly grateful for the effort so many people went to - the amazing hand made trinkets, the beautiful shop creations people found, the personalized decorations from buntings to dolls, whales and canvases..the heartfelt words, the music boxes, yummy candy and the toys for Ava’s siblings.  And so much more.

After Xmas, some ornaments moved to a spot in the window, hanging from feather and felt garlands, where they remain today.  It was hard to photograph them well as they’re up quite high but hopefully you get the idea.

Endless thanks, again, from all of us.

S xx

I have a love of the silly little saying “Buy Me A Pony”.  Lord, did I want that domain name.  In frustration after waiting several years and still not snaffling it, I grabbed www.getmeapony.com.  I like it almost as much, it sounds a bit more demanding, doesn’t it?  Ivy even has a tshirt with those very words.

And the reason behind my funny little obsession?  Because to me, it sums up our whole (misguided) belief that if we just had that frock/car/house/boat, or indeed pony, everything would be simply perfect.  It’s a funny concept, that you only have to see an item on a shelf or in a glossy magazine, and suddenly you’re conjuring up a whole lifestyle filled with light and love.  Advertising has so much to answer for.

But here’s the thing..I love shopping too.  Shocking, right?   So, with lessons learnt in the new Universe, I think I have the best of both Worlds - I still love and desire the pretty things but I no longer purchase the silly illusion when I hand over the cash.   About to enter into a phase of handing over lots of cash for lots of pretty things, I’m remembering this daily.

We’re renovating.  Also known as  A Rather Daunting Project Based Around Somewhat Insignificant Issues Such as Plasterboard and Stuff.

We’ve just begun, recently dividing one big room upstairs into two bedrooms giving us a sweet little space for Ava’s things and ripping up most of the hideous carpet, replacing it with umm, nothing yet.  Next, we’re tackling the bathrooms so I’m presently deciding whether it would be okay to exchange several body parts for an Apaiser Haven bath?

Here’s some of what else is making my heart flutter.. .

Penny round tiles, I adore.   Ours will be white.  I already have a similar mirror to this one, white and a little more ornate so it’s nice to see someone else thinks it works.

I do love this Gladys light from Louise Hederstrom.  More body parts needed for this one so I’m hoping to find someone’s spare on Ebay.  Or something.

We’re thinking of doing a wet room downstairs so I can throw the dirty children in and not let them out until they’re shiny without any bathrooms being harmed in the process.  (Imagining more penny rounds..)

If I can’t have the Apaiser bath, I’ll just have to settle for the Boffi.

(Images courtesy of Google images)

So, it’s a little bit exciting, thanks to endless inspiration from Google and the seventeen thousand interior magazines I’ve gathered.  I’m not sure Crayton agrees, he seems to visibly shudder when I pull out my enormous file of must-have pretties.    My goal is to re-create the over-priced gorgeousness seen here within budget.  Wish me luck.  Lots of it.

I’ll share some photos as we go..

Sheye x

Her new thing?   Each morning she wakes and begins to bellow, over and over in croaky voiced sing-song, “Mummmmmeeeeeeeee, it’s sunnnnnny”.   Such a sweet way to be woken, I don’t even mind.

{Own actions, 24-70 2.8, Canon 5D Mk2.  Pretty Ditty:  She and Him “Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?”}

We still have a space for Ava’s things.  A small room, it contains all of her Earthly possessions and many of the beautiful memorial things we have received.  Within that space her cupboard, or armoire, still holds every piece of clothing I gathered in our three years together.  (Well, make that four years as I shopped for her long before I actually saw her sweet face.)   I’m very, very sentimental by nature anyway, if you hadn’t noticed along the way,  so the idea of parting with Ava’s things is not something that sits well with me.   Although time has shown me that her possessions are not as important as I first believed, I know I will still hold them dear for many days yet.

So, over a year ago, when I read about an idea from a family honoring their son, I was  inspired.   They had taken his clothes and had a quilt made from the fabric.  They spoke so positively about the comfort they got, wrapping up in that quilt whenever they needed to,  that I couldn’t help but want the same.    Then of course, the notion of taking scissors to Ava’s beautiful clothes filled me with such sorrow.  I just couldn’t possibly do it.

But then, because I am beyond blessed with incredible friends, the beautiful Lea did a most wonderful thing..She put the call out for replicas of Ava’s most favorite things to the gorgeous group of women who make up Auction Mums, an online group of more than friends who share a childrens clothing obsession,  and many of whom had come from all over Australia to attend Ava’s funeral.   So, donate they did, en masse.   See why I am constantly overwhelmed by the generosity and beauty of people?

As we speak (or should that be as I type and you read?),  Tracey from Imagine That Quilts is lovingly working on Ava’s quilt.  In the land of quilting, she’s one of the best, her work really is beautiful so I know we’re in very good hands.    She’s so kindly sent me some photos of the first part of the process, the laying out the clothing and deciding on a patchwork based design which is wonderful but my joy is about more than that..I just know the love and care she, and some other clever girls, are putting into each stitch.  Being a week for honoring, I thought I’d share this beautiful project as it starts, and until it’s finished.

It’s comforting and wonderful,  to know I’ll soon be able to wrap myself up in a thousand memories and it’s humbling, to know this is because of the love of incredibly kind people.

Blessed Be.

Sheye xx

First there came The Grief.   A rather nondescript word for an unbearable state of being.   For all the positivity, the gratitude, the lessons learned, I have spent many, many days completely lost in nothing but grief.  I previously had no understanding of the depth of sorrow I could feel.  Grief strips you bare and engulfs your every thought.  It makes remembering excruciating, it erases the joy of the present, it steals the future you had come to expect.  And you are quite certain it will never end.   It is, quite simply, brutal.

And then it becomes all about time.  One month since..a lifetime until.. Thinking backwards and forwards, in every waking moment.   I was told, whilst still stumbling around blind in the New Universe, that it would be at least two years before life would seem normal again.   I could not fathom it.  Not two whole years.  Not with the pain and fear and yearning.   And beyond that?  Then what?  A lifetime of watered down More Of The Same?   Please God, no.  I found that thinking before or after the present day only filled one with terror so it was best not to.  One minute at a time.  And then an hour.  And then, surprisingly, whole days at once.

Then, somewhere along the way, I discovered the unbearable is not forever. The missing stays.  The yearning and the wishing and the wondering.  They’re all there.   But the unrelenting pain?  No.  As cruel as grief is, it’s also kind enough to allow the agony to recede.  The unbearable sorrow has eased.  And not simply because of time.   More, I believe, because of the love and endless support of friends and family.  The honoring, the remembering, the sharing of the harder days, the tributes and the love that are shown to us, and to Ava, every single day of these past two years.   They have made a difference. And when the searing pain visits, it’s okay.  It’s my time with Ava.  Her memories play like slide shows, I hear her voice, I feel her.

I’ve learned to cherish. For all of the heartache, a little bit of appreciation counters a lot.  To remember how very, very lucky we are - to have each other, to have Ava’s siblings, to have a life to look forward to.  To celebrate her three years on Earth, to feel so lucky we were chosen as her parents.  To hear my children creating chaos and feel so incredibly blessed..a gift I can’t describe.   I no longer fret about the insignificant, I’m too busy just being thankful.  Before losing Ava, cherish was in my list of favorite words.  Now it’s my favorite way to live each day.

And, oh, the beauty. I could write a book about the incredible beauty and compassion of people.  It astounds me, honestly.  I am constantly overwhelmed by generosity, care, thoughtfulness and acts of love for our family.  Today, again, I am carried by so many hands, seen and unseen.   And, again, I’m struggling to convey just how grateful we are.  For remembering our pain, for honoring our darling girl, for reaching out - every single one of you - thank you.

Two years.  Like no other.  An eternity and the blink of an eye.   I took the images above ten days after her funeral.  I wanted to capture the awfulness.  I shot just two frames, frustrated that the haze cleared before I could take more.  Now when I see them, they fit perfectly.

Thank. You.